


A Song of Lols and Spoilers

by Yavannie



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: ADWD spoilers, Gen, Humor, Lols, Multi, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, Series Spoilers, Shameless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-16 11:48:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yavannie/pseuds/Yavannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Been wanting to get a peek inside the scripts for the hit TV show A Game of Thrones? Look no further, it's all here, unabridged and uncensored!</p><p>Script parody in the style of the fabulous Evadne who once upon a time wrote the most hilarious script parodies for the Lord of the Rings trilogy. This is everything but subtle, memes abound, poor attempts at humour at every turn. Spoilers ahead!</p><p>Warnings for strong language, non-explicit sexual content, implied smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Episode 1 - Winter is Coming

**Fade-in to INT. A LONG DARK TUNNEL AT CASTLE BLACK**

 

We see the Black Brothers WILL, GARED and SER WAYMAR ROYCE riding through it.

 

SER WAYMAR ROYCE

Just for the record, I was much prettier in the books.

 

 

**Cut to EXT. A WINTERY LANDSCAPE WITH A VERY IMPRESSIVE CGI WALL AND A FOREST RESEMBLING THE AFTERMATH OF AN IBIZA FOAM PARTY - DAY**

 

After riding for approximately half a minute, they arrive at a WILDLING CAMP. Will walks off to check out some CREEPY SHIT as indicated by the OMINOUS MUSIC. There body parts strewn all over the polystyrene snow, as well as a WEIRD DOLL hanging from a tree.

 

WILL

How very dare they perform satanic rituals within earshot of the Wall? I must go tell my brethren.

 

SER WAYMAR ROYCE

Wildlings are dumb as shit, who knows why they do anything?

 

GARED

We should return to the Wall. We've already been out here for two or three minutes and it's getting a bit nippy.

 

WILL

I agree.

 

SER WAYMAR ROYCE

As someone who will die within the next few seconds, it's my duty to inform you and the viewers that if you run away, Ned Stark will hunt you down, and he will find you, and he will kill you.

 

WILL

Yeah, I'll take my chances.

 

An OTHER appears behind Ser Waymar Royce

 

THE OTHER

Choo choo motherfuckers!

 

 

**Cut to A VERY IMPRESSIVE INTRO, SHOWING THE VARIOUS LOCATIONS FEATURED IN TONIGHT'S EPISODE, A FACT LOST ON MANY UNTIL THE MIDDLE OF SEASON TWO OR THEREABOUTS**

 

 

**Fade-in to EXT. THE CLOSING SCENE OF MONTY PYTHON AND THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL - DAY**

 

A host of riders are chasing Will down, forming a Riders-of-Rohan-esque ring about him.

 

WILL

And here I was, thinking myself lucky to have survived instead of Gared.

 

 

**Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL - DAY**

 

BRAN is practicing his archery while JON SNOW, ROBB, RICKON, EDDARD and CATELYN STARK are all watching.

 

JON

Go on, shoot. Everyone's waiting. No pressure, though. Oh look, you missed. LOL.

 

EDDARD

I'll just conveniently use this opportunity to age you all up a couple of years.

 

ARYA appears and establishes herself as the STARK WILD CHILD by hitting the bullseye from way behind Bran

 

Enter SER RODRIK CASSEL and THEON GREYJOY

 

SER RODRIK CASSEL

We've caught a deserter from the opening scene.

 

THEON GREYJOY

You're going to be confused about my ties with this family for most of this season.

 

EDDARD

I'm taking Bran to the beheading. 

 

CATELYN

But my precious baby boy!

 

EDDARD

It's time he learned about duty. Winter Is Coming. 

 

CATELYN

You what?

 

Catelyn proceeds to glare at Jon Snow for no particular reason.

 

JON

You realise that at this point, everyone reckons I'm your son?

 

 

**Cut to EXT. A TYPICAL IRISH SUMMER'S DAY**

 

Will is about to get beheaded while the Stark kids are watching.

 

EDDARD

I thought you'd be older.

 

WILL

Yeah, the script writers felt that the viewers might sympathise more with a younger character. Oh, and I should mention there's zombies beyond the Wall.

 

EDDARD

Look, half the viewers have already forgotten who you are, so let's just get on with it. It's my duty.

 

BRAN

My dad has one of the biggest swords in the Seven Kingdoms, what does your da…Oh YUCK!

 

EDDARD

It was my duty to do it. Remember the duty, my son.

 

BRAN

He said something about zombies.

 

EDDARD

Are you even listening, Bran? The duty!

 

 

**Cut to EXT. A FOREST SCENE WITH HEAPS OF FORESHADOWING**

 

The party come across a dead STAG and a dead DIREWOLF with PUPPIES

 

THEON

It's a freak!

 

EDDARD

No, look, the Stag is Robert and the Direwolf is me and… Ah, what the hell, most book fans didn't even spot this on their second reading, let's not waste time explaining it.

 

BRAN

I want a puppy!

 

THEON

I want to kill a puppy.

 

JON

Listen to the adorable way I say "pups", it sounds like "pops". I can hear the American fangirls squealing already.

 

ROBB

Let's have a conversation which will confuse the viewers even more about who's actually family here.

 

 

**Cut to INT. THE RED KEEP, KING'S LANDING**

 

JON ARRYN is lying on a slab in the throne room. JAIME and CERSEI LANNISTER are watching form the sidelines as some SILENT SISTERS perform some GENERIC FUNERAL RITUALS.

 

JON ARRYN

Well, I already have a bigger part than in the books!

 

SILENT SISTER

You're dead.

 

JON ARRYN

Damn it! Wait, did you just say that out loud?

 

CERSEI

Jaime, I want you to replace Jon Arryn as Hand of the King.

 

JAIME

No can do, I just signed a two-year contract with Wella.

 

 

**Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL, THE GODSWOOD - DAY**

 

Eddard is cleaning his sword, ICE. Enter Catelyn.

 

EDDARD

Oh, Ice, how I love you…

 

ICE

Yeah baby, right there, that hits the spot.

 

CATELYN

Am I interrupting something? I have dreadful news, my lord. Jon Arryn is dead. And the King and all the Lannisters are coming here.

 

EDDARD

Well, fuck.

 

CATELYN

Do women here really call their husbands 'my lord'? Good grief.

 

 

**Cut to INT. WINTERFELL, THE BARBERSHOP**

 

Robb, Theon and Jon are all standing around with their shirts off, to ensure viewers know they're watching HBO.

 

JON

Look at my abs in all their glory.

 

THEON

And mine. Robb, why are your arms crossed?

 

ROBB

I was a last minute casting and didn't have several months to prepare in the gym for Winter 2011 like you guys.

 

 

**Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL COURTYARD - DAY**

 

The Starks are all lined up to receive KING ROBERT and his entourage. Arya is sitting outside the castle in a WAGON, looking long and hard at THE HOUND who is also being looked at long and hard by the SANSAN SHIPPERS.

 

THE HOUND

I really wish my helmet wouldn't do this silly flop thing when I'm riding.

 

CATELYN, to SANSA STARK

Where is your sister?

 

SANSA

Don't know, don't care.

 

Enter JOFFREY BASTARDEON - sorry BARATHEON and The Hound

 

SANSA

Oh, he's so pretty!

 

ROBB

What, that little shit?

 

SANSA

Not him, silly.

 

KING ROBERT

Help, help, I'm too fat to get off my horse.

 

EDDARD

Boy, you really have let yourself go.

 

ARYA

Sansa, let's establish some tension between us.

 

SANSA

Shut. The fuck. Up.

 

ARYA

Mission accomplished!

 

CERSEI

I can smell something rotting. Oh, sorry, it's Lyanna Stark, isn't it?

 

 

**Cut to EXT. WINTER TOWN - DAY**

 

Jaime walks through the village and into a BROTHEL where he finds TYRION LANNISTER in bed with ROS

 

ROS

The book readers don't know it yet, but they'll soon love to hate me.

 

JAIME

Be a good dwarf and come say hi to the northerners.

 

TYRION

I'm a bit busy.

 

JAIME

By the way, I've brought the viewers some more tits. Come along now, girls, line up nicely for the camera.

 

TYRION

Your accent needs some work, brother. Listen and learn from the master.

 

 

**Cut to INT. THE CRYPTS OF WINTERFELL**

 

Robert and Eddard are paying respects to LYANNA STARK'S GRAVE

 

ROBERT

She should have been my queen.

 

EDDARD

I'm kinda glad she wasn't.

 

ROBERT

She deserves better than a cold crypt.

 

EDDARD

She knew you were a cheating drunkard, she would have had a terrible life with you.

 

ROBERT

Cersei can never compare to her.

 

EDDARD

Are you even listening?

 

ROBERT

I think Joffrey and Sansa should get married.

 

EDDARD

Wat.

 

ROBERT

We should probably say something about the Targaryens so that the next scene will make sense to people

 

 

**Cut to INT. ILLYRIO'S MANSE IN PENTOS, WHICH WE WON'T SEE AGAIN FOR ANOTHER FIVE SEASONS**

 

DAENERYS TARGARYEN is standing by a BATH TUB made entirely out of LEGO BRICKS. VISERYS TARGARYEN enters holding a DRESS resembling a DISHCLOTH.

 

VISERYS

This is your wedding gown. Feel the fabric. Also, let me feel your boobs.

 

DAENERYS

I don't know what I expected. Oh, look, the water's boiling, time for a bath!

 

 

**Cut to EXT. OUTSIDE ILLYRIO'S MANSE - DAY**

 

The Targaryens and ILLYRIO are awaiting Dany's future husband.

 

VISERYS

Have you lost weight, Illyrio?

 

ILLYRIO

Yeah, I've been working out. I can do a 10k in under an hour now.

 

VISERYS

Nice.

 

Enter KHAL DROGO and his BLOODRIDERS

 

VISERYS

Look at his hair. The Dothraki only cut it when they're defeated in battle. Khal Drogo has never been defeated.

 

DAENERYS

Wouldn't he be, like, dead if he had been?

 

VISERYS

Don't bring logic into this.

 

BLOODRIDER

Mm, dat ass.

 

KHAL DROGO

She'll do.

 

BLOODRIDER

Dat ass, though.

 

DAENERYS

I don't want to marry him.

 

VISERYS

It's him or me.

 

DAENERYS

Wait, I've… I've changed my mind.

 

 

**Cut to INT. WINTERFELL**

 

Catelyn and Sansa are preparing for the WELCOMING FEAST.

 

SANSA

Do you think the Hound will like me?

 

CATELYN

Who?

 

SANSA

Joffrey. I meant Joffrey.

 

CATELYN

Joffrey's a little shit, can you not tell?

 

SANSA

Can I marry him now, or do I have to wait? I want to be just like Queen Cersei.

 

CATELYN

Perhaps he's right for you after all.

 

 

**Cut to INT. WINTERFELL, THE WELCOMING FEAST**

 

Various shots of different types of meats, platters of food, and ale being quaffed while King Robert feels up anything in a skirt.

 

GEORGE R R MARTIN

Finally we get some decent establishing shots of FOOD!

 

CATELYN

Doesn't that bother you?

 

CERSEI

In terms of inappropriate relationships, he's got nothing on me.

 

 

**Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL COURTYARD - NIGHT**

 

Jon Snow is demolishing a SACK OF GRAINS as BENJEN STARK appears.

 

BENJEN

This is as good a time as any to explain to everyone that you're a bastard, Jon.

 

JON

My step mum hates me. She won't let me sit at the table for grown ups. I'm going to run away with you to Castle Black just to spite her!

 

BENJEN

You're still a virgin. Trust me, you don't want your first time to be with Ser Alliser Thorne while you're bending over to gravel the Wall. Right, time for me to join the party, being a trueborn Stark and all. Ta-ta.

 

TYRION

Your uncle is in the Night's Watch.

 

JON

I know.  

 

TYRION

I know that you know. I'm just explaining it to everyone else.

 

JON

How long have you been checking me out from back there?

 

TYRION

Yeah, sorry, with all the crying on Benjen's shoulder I thought you were one of the girls.

 

JON

You're Tyrion Lannister.

 

TYRION

I know.

 

JON

OK, let's not do this again.

 

TYRION

Wait, we need to seemingly talk more about how you're a bastard while we in actual fact talk more about me.

 

JON

You know nothing, Tyrion Lannister.

 

YGRITTE

Wait, what? 

 

 

**Cut to INT. WINTERFELL, THE FEAST**

 

BENJEN

Winter is coming.

 

EDDARD

Winter is coming, LOL.

 

CERSEI

This is some kind of in-joke I'm not getting, right?

 

CATELYN

I know, it drives me up the walls.

 

CERSEI

Oh, here is Sansa, our little dove. Tell me girl, have you had your period yet?

 

SANSA

I'm only eleven!

 

CATELYN

Actually, you're thirteen. They've aged everyone two years, except for me.

 

CERSEI

Yeah, more like ten years for you.

 

SANSA

Oh, burrrn.

 

JAIME

We must have a tournament to celebrate you becoming the Hand, Ned. I want to fight you so bad.

 

EDDARD

I don't want to give my secrets away in case I have to kill you someday.

 

JAIME

Bah, I could kill you with my right arm tied behind my back.

 

EDDARD

Careful what you wish for.

 

 

**Cut to INT. WINTERFELL, CATELYN AND NED'S CHAMBERS**

 

Eddard and Catelyn are reading each others' lines from the book when MAESTER LUWIN enters with a letter for Catelyn.

 

CATELYN

It's from Lysa. She's talking about the pros of attachment parenting again.

 

EDDARD

Anything else?

 

CATELYN

There's a bit here about nipple sores… Oh, and she says the Lannisters murdered Jon Arryn.

 

MAESTER LUWIN

Sounds like a good job opening to me. I would definitely go for it.

 

 

**Cut to EXT. PENTOS, DANY'S AND DROGO'S WEDDING FEAST - DAY**

 

Plenyt of shots of flies buzzing around food, Dothraki dry-humping each other and slitting each other's throats. People are bringing the happy couple WEDDING GIFTS of all sorts, including HUNGRY LOOKING SNAKES.

 

MAN PICKING UP SNAKES TO SHOW DANY AND DROGO

I immediately regret this decision.

 

VISERYS

I want my army!

 

ILLYRIO

I wouldn't press the point just now.

 

Enter SER JORAH MORMONT

 

JORAH

I couldn't think of anything good, so I got you some books, sorry.

 

DAENERYS

Yeah, I read these ones already… Did you keep the receipt?

 

ILLYRIO

I couldn't think of anything either, so I got you some dragon's eggs.

 

DAENERYS

Oooh, shiny!

 

JORAH

Bloody show-off.

 

KHAL DROGO

I got you a horse.

 

JORAH

All right, all right, keep rubbing it in.

 

 

**Cut to EXT. PENTOS, A CLIFF BY THE OCEAN - EVENING**

 

Daenerys and Khal Drogo are about to get it on. Dany sobs.

 

KHAL DROGO

No.

 

DAENERYS

Do you know the Common Tongue?

 

KHAL DROGO

No.

 

DAENERYS

Is "no" the only word you know?

 

KHAL DROGO

No.

 

DAENERYS

You're having a laugh.

 

KHAL DROGO

I can do this all night.

 

 

**Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL - DAY**

 

Tyrion and The Hound are watching the King getting ready for a hunt.

 

TYRION

I'll miss the redhead when I go to the Wall.

 

THE HOUND

She's a sweet little thing all right. A bit young though, don't you think?

 

TYRION

She seemed experienced enough.

 

THE HOUND

Why you little… Wait, are we talking about the same person here?

 

ROBERT

Thanks for agreeing to wipe my arse for me, Ned.

 

EDDARD

Given the combined track record of survival for Hands and Sean Bean, you're making a poor choice.

 

BRAN

Bye dad.

 

EDDARD

Bye Bran.

 

BRAN

No, really. Bye.

 

 

**Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL - DAY**

 

Bran is practicing his parkour skills all over Winterfell, eventually climbing a TOWER where he spies Jaime and Cersei indulging in some KINKY FUCKERY.

 

BRAN

That looks mildly uncomfortable.

 

CERSEI

He saw us!

 

JAIME

How old are you boy?

 

BRAN

How old are _you_ , still playing come-into-my-castle?

 

JAIME

The things I do for kinky fuckery.

 


	2. Episode 2 - The Kingsroad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seeing as quite a few people seemed to like the first installment, here's episode 2!

 

 

**FADE-IN TO EXT. THE DOTHRAKI SEA WHICH ISN'T A SEA AT ALL BUT MORE LIKE A MEDIUM SIZED FIELD OR A VERY DRY LAWN, REALLY - DAY**

 

Khal Drogo's KHALASSAR is walking along in ONE LONG LINE because at this point neither the CGI BUDGET nor the EXTRAS BUDGET is large enough to fake AN ENTIRE ARMY. Daenerys and Jorah Mormont are watching from the sidelines. Daenerys is sitting atop the SILVER HORSE given to her by Khal Drogo. Please note that this is a SILVER HORSE, not a WHITE HORSE. Honestly. That is NOT a WHITE HORSE. What are you, colour blind?

 

JORAH

You should eat something.

 

DAENERYS

This is so depressing. I have saddle sores the size of a small country and this grass is triggering my hay fever.

 

JORAH

You call this grass? You should see Asshai. Here, have a piece of dried up bark. I'm sorry, dried horse meat.

 

DAENERYS

This is SO depressing. Look at my husband. He's in a corset and his boobs are twice the size of mine. 

 

JORAH

Well, if you're ever in need of a real man…

 

DAENERYS

OMFG, look, I've been sitting on a hedgehog this whole time.

 

JORAH

Perhaps later.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. A TINY DOTHRAKI CAMP. APPARENTLY THE OTHERS WENT AHEAD OR SOMETHING - EVENING.**

 

Daenerys tries to get off her SILVER HORSE while Jorah and Viserys EXPLAIN SOME SHIT to viewers.

 

DAENERYS

I feel like I've just given birth to triplets without an epidural.

 

VISERYS

I've got buns of steel and I'm a finer horseman than any of this Dothraki rabble.

 

JORAH

There's still time for you to go back to Pentos, you know.

 

VISERYS

Nah, I like ogling my sister too much.

 

JORAH

Please?

 

VISERYS

So, Ned Stark wants your head for selling slaves? 

 

JORAH

I hear there's a festival in Pentos coming up next week. Free beer, lots of women… I wish I could go.

 

VISERYS

I'm going to be the worst king ever.

 

JORAH

How about being the worst king ever… In Pentos!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. A DOG KENNEL IN WINTERFELL**

 

Tyrion Lannister is waking up in a haystack amongst several dogs. Watching him are prince Joffrey and The Hound.

 

JOFFREY

Mandatory joke about bitches.

 

TYRION

I sincerely hope that was written to show your subpar sense of humour rather than in the hopes of getting a laugh from the viewers.

 

JOFFREY

We're leaving for King's Landing today. 

 

TYRION

Why should I care? I'm not coming with you.

 

JOFFREY

Mum has been asking for you.

 

TYRION

That's not very in character of her.

 

JOFFREY

Ok, you got me, I just like being a pain in your ass.

 

TYRION

Good, it gives me a reason to slap you around like the little girl you are.

 

THE HOUND

I know I'm your sworn shield, Joff, but you deserved that. I'm just going to stand here, gnashing my teeth in an adorable kind of way.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE GREAT HALL OF WINTERFELL**

 

The Lannisters are enjoying a FAMILY BREAKFAST.

 

MYRCELLA

I'm the good Lannister. Please excuse the rest of them.

 

TOMMEN

I thought we were Baratheons?

 

JAIME AND CERSEI

That's cute.

 

MYRCELLA

Uncle, is Bran going to die?

 

TYRION

It doesn't look like it.

 

CERSEI

What? What do you mean? He fell from, like, fifty feet up. No one survives that. Right? Right?

 

TYRION

You look a bit concerned, sister. Indigestion?

 

CERSEI

No, this is just what my face looks like most of the time.

 

JAIME

Someone should put the boy out of his misery. Imagine living as a cripple your whole life. Imagine, for instance, having your hand cut off. Honestly, I think I'd kill myself.

 

TYRION

I'm only half a man and no one enjoys life more than me.

 

JAIME

Fine, all right, I admit it! I pushed the boy out the window. Just stop asking me about it, OK? Jeez…

 

TYRION

Errh…

 

 

**CUT TO INT. MARTHA STEWART'S ARTS AND CRAFTS ROOM WHERE TODAY'S TOPIC IS PRAYER WHEELS**

 

Catelyn is sitting underneath the kitchen fan in her bathrobe, having a quick smoke and making a PRAYER WHEEL. Cersei enters.

 

CERSEI

You look like shit.

 

CATELYN

My child is dying.

 

CERSEI

For some obscure reason, I'll now tell a lie about how I had a child who died from a fever. I'll also make sure to say he had black hair, so that everyone knows it was Robert's child. I'm not sure if this is meant to make my character look more humane, or just put in to make all the readers scour the books for evidence that this actually happened.

 

CATELYN

Well, did it?

 

CERSEI

No. Made you look though!

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. MIKKEN'S BELLOWS, BLADES AND BEYOND - DAY**

 

Jaime is being his USUAL DICKHEAD SELF, this time towards Jon Snow.

 

JAIME

I bet my right arm you never fought a man in your life.

 

JON

Well we've been at peace for the last fourteen years…

 

JAIME

The Night's Watch is made up of OAPs, petty criminals, bastards and boys. It's not exactly the SAS. I'm sure you'll fit right in. 

 

MIKKEN

He's right, you know.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. ARYA'S CHAMBERS**

 

JON

Incoming tear-jerk scene!

 

ARYA

Quick, we have 35 seconds to bond by joking about my dog, you giving me a sword and me being an adorable wild child!

 

JON

I'm game. Little sister.

 

ARYA

I wish Sansa was going to the Wall and you were coming with me.

 

JON

You were the only good thing in my life, and now I have to leave you.

 

VIEWERS

We're totally buying it!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. MARTHA STEWART'S ARTS AND CRAFT ROOM WHERE TODAY'S TOPIC IS CREEPY DOLLS**

 

Jon is coming to say goodbye to Bran and Catelyn is making a CREEPY DOLL

 

CATELYN

I'm extremely disappointed that Ned wasn't faithful to me after he went to war the week after he met me, and now I'm going to take that out on you.

 

JON

That's hardly fair.

 

CATELYN

Fair? Who cares about fair? You're the physical representation of his infidelity and I hate you with a passion.

 

JON

Could someone just give me a break?

 

CATELYN

Go die in a hole.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE CROSSING OF WINTERFELL ST. AND THE KINGSROAD - DAY**

 

EDDARD

It'll be fun at the Wall. Male bonding, playing with the other boys in the practice yard, picnics with the wildlings...There's a ride, you know.

 

JON

It's a lift, dad.

 

EDDARD

The Starks have manned the Wall for generations, and even though your father wasn't a Stark, you have the Stark blood.

 

JON

Wait, what did you just say?

 

EDDARD

Whoops. We'll talk about it later, OK?

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. BURGER KING JUST OFF THE KINGSROAD, EXIT 273 - DAY**

 

King Robert and Eddard are enjoying two BIG KING MEALS with EXTRA BACON and a side of ONION RINGS

 

ROBERT

What was the name of Jon Snow's mother again?

 

EDDARD

Trust me, you really don't want to know.

 

ROBERT

He has the Stark look. Funny thing, when you consider Joffrey and my other kids, really.

 

EDDARD

Ha ha.

 

ROBERT

By the way, that Targaryen bitch got married last month.

 

EDDARD

Bloody hell, I forgot to send her a present!

 

ROBERT

Yeah, I was thinking something along the lines of a knife between the shoulder blades or some poisoned wine or something. You can chip in if you want?

 

EDDARD

I'll just send flowers and a card, I think.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE WOLFSWOOD - EVENING**

 

Tyrion is READING A BOOK while Jon is having some SERIOUS DOUBTS about his career choice.

 

JON

So if there's plenty of rapists at the Wall and no girls… Well, fuck.

 

TYRION

You're not as stupid as you look, you know.

 

JON

What are you reading?

 

TYRION

 _Dragon Taming for Dummies_.

 

JON

That seems like a waste of time.

 

TYRION

You never know when it might come in handy.

 

JON

So, I heard your brother Jaime killed the last king?

 

TYRION

So, I heard your dad slept with some woman so ugly she made blind children cry… Oh, that's right, that was your mother!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. BRAN'S CHAMBERS**

 

MAESTER LUWIN

Lady Catelyn, you should consider taking a bath. 

 

CATELYN

I am not leaving my child.

 

MAESTER LUWIN

But someone needs to go shopping for groceries, pay the bills, feed the cats… And we really need to vacuum under the sofa. I found half a stale lemon cake under there last night, and it's been weeks since Sansa left.

 

CATELYN

I don't care about the groceries!

 

Enter Robb, sporting a BEARD, signalling that he's ALL GROWN UP NOW.

 

ROBB

I'll get the groceries.

 

MAESTER LUWIN

Thank the Seven, my Lord. I'll make a shopping list at once.

 

Exit Maester Luwin

 

ROBB

Honestly, mum, pull yourself together. Oh, GOD, there's a fire! Waaaah! 

 

Exit Robb

 

Enter a DUMB AS SHIT ASSASSIN holding a VALYRIAN STEEL DAGGER.

 

DUMB AS SHIT ASSASSIN

You're not supposed to be here. 

 

CATELYN

Is that Valyrian Steel? Let me grab that blade with my bare hands.

 

DUMB AS SHIT ASSASSIN

Hey, I was told this knife would go through bone like butter!

 

Enter SUMMER

 

SUMMER

Flying crane kick, mofo!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE DAENERYS TARGARYEN MOBILE SPA AND BEAUTY SALON**

 

Dany is getting a manicure from IRRI, JHIQUI and DOREAH

 

DAENERYS

When do you reckon my dragon eggs will hatch?

 

IRRI

We need to pretend they're still just dead old eggs, to make the viewers feel like they know something we don't know. It is known.

 

JHIQUI

It is known.

 

DOREAH

I was told the moon was an egg and it cracked open and lots of dragons came out.

 

IRRI

Silly rabbit, the moon is made from cheese. It is known.

 

JHIQUI

It is known.

 

DOREAH

What. What is known.

 

JHIQUI

That Lysene girls are whores?

 

IRRI

It is known.

 

DAENERYS

Really…? Leave me with her.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. CSI WINTERFELL - EVENING**

 

DNA technician Catelyn Stark is visiting various locations around the castle to look for CLUES.

 

CATELYN

If this is where he landed, then that's where he fell from. The highest tower. I wonder… A-HA! A long, blonde strand of hair! I knew it was that long-haired wench all along! Avengers of Winterfell, ASSEMBLE!

 

Enter Maester Luwin, Ser Rodrik Cassel, Robb and Theon Greyjoy

 

CATELYN

What I am about to tell you must never pass these walls.

 

ROBB

Mum, we're in the woods.

 

CATELYN

I don't think Bran fell from that tower. I think he was pushed.

 

THEON

By who?

 

CATELYN

Someone with long, blonde hair who spends her days in the highest tower of the castle.

 

THEON

Cersei?

 

CATELYN

No, you blockhead. Rapunzel! Although I suppose the Lannisters have a better motive…

 

ROBB

Oh gods, I hope this means war!

 

SER RODRIK CASSEL

You have my axe!

 

THEON

And my boats!

 

MAESTER LUWIN

Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

 

ROBB

Oh mum, PLEASE can I go to King's Landing and kill Joffrey. Pretty, pretty please?

 

CATELYN

No. There must always be a Stark in Winterfell. I will go.

 

ROBB

But Bran is still here. 

 

CATELYN

What I meant to say was, there must always be TWO Starks in Winterfell.

 

ROBB

And there's Rickon.

 

CATELYN

THREE Starks in…

 

TONY STARK

I'm available if you need me.

 

CATELYN

No! You're staying because I say so, and I won't hear another word of it!

 

THEON

Damn, she pulled Mother's Logic on you. Can't beat that.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. DOREAH'S SCHOOL OF SEXY TIMES AND BABY MAKING**

 

Doreah is showing Daenerys HOW TO PLEASE A MAN.

 

DAENERYS

So, what about pleasing a woman?

 

DOREAH

That's not what this series is about, but if you want to, I can show you after the cameras have stopped rolling.

 

DAENERYS

Sweet.

 

Exit Doreah, enter Khal Drogo

 

KHAL DROGO

Ah, time for some good old doggy style humping.

 

DAENERYS

No.

 

KHAL DROGO

You speak Dothraki?

 

DAENERYS

No.

 

KHAL DROGO

What is this, I don't even…

 

DAENERYS

Ok, fine, I speak Dothraki. I've been talking to a girlfriend and she says babies are not delivered through the back door entrance, if you know what I mean.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. A VILLAGE IN THE RIVERLANDS - DAY**

 

Sansa is out walking LADY. Enter SER ILYN PAYNE, The Hound and Joffrey.

 

SER ILYN PAYNE

Raaarghhaaoooughhraaagourgh.

 

SANSA

…Chewie?

 

THE HOUND

Do I frighten you so much, girl?

 

SANSA

No?

 

THE HOUND

Ah, yes, I'm frightened of Ilyn Payne as well.

 

SANSA

I wasn't really…

 

JOFFREY

Is my dog frightening you?

 

SANSA

No! 

 

JOFFREY

Away with you, dog!

 

SANSA

Actually, he can stay. I would absolutely prefer it if he stayed.

 

THE HOUND

I'll be back.

 

SANSA

Oh, you better.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE RIVER BANK OF THE TRIDENT - DAY**

 

Arya and MYCAH are practicing MORRIS DANCING. Enter Joffrey and Sansa.

 

SANSA

Arya, how many times do I have to tell you to act your gender?

 

JOFFREY

Well, well, well. This looks like an excellent opportunity to act like a complete dick. You, peasant boy, pick up that stick and see how you fare against my years of training and my castle-forged steel!

 

MYCAH

I'm reading my lines directly from the prompt cards slightly to the left of the camera.

 

ARYA

As the Stark Wild Child and quickly rising viewer favourite it is my right and duty to hit this son of a bitch hard.

 

JOFFREY

You little cunt! Oh my god, I can't believe I just said that on TV.

 

THE BBC

Ooookay then, this 8pm slot was clearly a big mistake.

 

SANSA

This definitely didn't feature in the Romantic Walks in the Sun chapter of _How to be a Lady_.

 

NYMERIA

Flying triangle choke, mofo!

 

JOFFREY

Help, help, this dog is nibbling at my pinky finger!

 

ARYA

Maybe I should just kill him now and be done with it?

 

SANSA

That's actually a really good idea, but it wouldn't be much of a series, now would it?

 

ARYA

Fine, I'll let him live. Urm, I just remembered I have some urgent business in the woods.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. AN INN NEAR THE TRIDENT**

 

Arya has finally been found and is now being questioned by the royal family. Eddard is playing the STUPIDLY OVER-PROTECTIVE FATHER while Robert is being SERIOUSLY BAD AT KINGING while at the same time being COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY UNDER THE THUMB.

 

EDDARD

Why was she not brought to me?

 

CERSEI

I was hoping to have her little head off, but one of your men spoiled all my fun.

 

ROBERT

I hate my wife but her dad is paying for my drinking, whoring and gambling habits, so what's a man do?

 

EDDARD

You could grow a pair?

 

ROBERT

I did, look.

 

EDDARD

Not tits, you idiot.

 

JOFFREY

Arya and her friend beat me with sticks and her dog licked my hand until it hurt. Someone needs to pay for this!

 

EDDARD'S NORTHMEN SOLDIERS

*cough* Sissy! *cough*

 

ARYA

He started it!

 

CERSEI

Sansa, if you really want to be queen some day, you need to start practicing lying for the king.

 

SANSA

Shouldn't that be lying TO the king?

 

CERSEI

Same difference. Now be a dear and make your sister hate you for real.

 

SANSA

Fine, whatever.

 

CERSEI

Oh, and Robert, a wolf pelt for my bed chamber would be nice, now that winter is coming and all. That Lady has a nice light coat.

 

ROBERT

I never could deny you anything, now could I?

 

SANSA

Woah, woah, woah. Everybody calm the fuck down, all right?

 

ROBERT

Get her a dog, Ned, she'll be happier for it.

 

THE HOUND

I couldn't agree more.

 

LADY

Oh, it's my mummy's daddy! Cuddly times are a-coming! Wait, what are you doing with that kn-

 

EDDARD

I haven't mentioned duty in a while, but this was definitely necessary because of, you know, duty.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. WINTERFELL, BRAN'S CHAMBERS**

 

Bran OPENS HIS EYES

 

BRAN

This really ought to have been an extremely cool scene featuring me skydiving with my crow pal but since they've already decided to reduce my part in the series to an excuse to put Hodor in, I suppose they couldn't be bothered.


	3. Episode 3 - Lord Snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Stealing shamelessly from the comedy mastermind Terry Pratchett in this one. 
> 
> A massive THANK YOU to all my lovely readers! I'm not very good at replying to comments, but every single one warms my heart and it's extremely helpful when you point out which bits you like (and which bits you don't, of course), so keep them coming!
> 
> I know this episode was quite a long time coming, but I was on holiday without access to HBO Nordic. I will do my best to update once a week - how about Sundays, to get the GoT-fix you've been needing since the end of S3? ;) This one is a bit on the long side D:

****

**EPISODE 3 - LORD SNOW**

 

 

**FADE-IN TO EXT. KING'S LANDING - DAY**

 

Eddard and his entourage are arriving to the capital and are met by an UNNAMED STUCK-UP PAGE.

 

UNNAMED STUCK-UP PAGE

I have very graciously deigned to follow orders to meet you here, my lord, and to inform you that your presence in the small council would be… Well, I don't really want to use the word "welcome", so let's say "a necessary evil". Immediately, my lord.

 

EDDARD

Right, I've just travelled from a place where we have a permanent wall of ice to some kind of Mediterranean resort with potted palm trees, on horseback. That would take, what, two or three months? Can you give me a fucking minute to have a pint and puff?

 

UNNAMED STUCK-UP PAGE

No?

 

EDDARD

 _Mutters inaudibly about duty_. Jory, you're far too handsome for such a small part, better make the most of it and at least mention your name.

 

JORY CASSEL

Thank you, my lord.

 

UNNAMED STUCK-UP PAGE

Errh, I don't mean to be rude - well I do - but… Are you wearing _that_ to the small council meeting?

 

EDDARD

Who cares about what I'm wearing?

 

UNNAMED STUCK-UP PAGE

Ah, of course, in the TV-series we haven't met Renly yet.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE THRONE ROOM**

 

Jaime Lannister is sitting on the steps leading up to the SOMEWHAT UNCOMFORTABLE-LOOKING and SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTING IRON THRONE. 

 

GEORGE R R MARTIN

Aw, man, that is _not_ what I had in mind!

 

Enter Eddard

 

JAIME

You know what they say about Hands, Lord Eddard? The King shits and the Hand wipes.

 

EDDARD

Speaking of hands…

 

JAIME

Let me just establish myself as even more of an asshole and mention that I stood by to watch half your family being burnt to a crisp by the Mad King. It was my duty, you know.

 

EDDARD

In this universe, I decide what duty is, and that wasn't it!

 

JAIME

I should of course mention that I killed said Mad King later on, and it felt like justice.

 

EDDARD

Is that what you tell yourself at night? It was your duty to protect the king!

 

JAIME

But I… Wait, what? You just said…

 

EDDARD

I just remembered I have an important meeting to attend to. Ahem.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE HIGH ROLLER'S TABLE AT CAESAR'S PALACE**

 

LORD VARYS, LORD RENLY, GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE and PETYR "LITTLEFINGER" BAELISH are playing TEXAS HOLDEM. Enter Eddard.

 

VARYS

Ah, another player for the next deal.

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Um-um, buggrit, I'm folding, um-um. What? Who said that?

 

RENLY

Eddard! Come here and give me a long, big hug.

 

EDDARD

Bro-hug! Long time no see, man!

 

RENLY

No, don't let go just yet…

 

LITTLEFINGER

Ah, you must be Cat's husband. I'm sure she's told you all about me.

 

EDDARD

She's told me some.

 

LITTLEFINGER

Of course, proper ladies don't kiss and tell.

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Hedwig darling, um-um, would you be so kind as to fetch the chamberpot. What?

 

EDDARD

What's his problem?

 

RENLY

Yeah, never mind him. We keep him around for fun, mainly. So, let's get down to business!

 

EDDARD

Without the king?

 

VARYS

You thought the king ruled the Seven Kingdoms? Him? That fat one with crumbs in his beard who laughs at his own jokes? Good one, my lord Hand, an excellent joke! 

 

EDDARD (reading a declaration from King Robert, apparently written in between arriving to King's Landing and this meeting being held, some ten minutes later)

He wants us to hold a tournament in my honour. Guys, I'm not sure about this one. It says there's to be an archery contest, and those things attract Robin Hoods like flies.

 

LITTLEFINGER

It's an order from the king, it can't be helped. What's the damage?

 

EDDARD

Some eighty thousand dragons, by my count. 

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Dragons? Where? Um-um. What?

 

LITTLEFINGER

I'll ask Tywin Lannister to take an extended visit to the little boys' room later on.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. OR MAYBE EXT. - YOU'RE NEVER TOO SURE WITH THESE RIVENDELLESQUE ROOMS IN KING'S LANDING - ANYWAY, CERSEI'S CHAMBERS - DAY**

 

Cersei is dressing the "wounds" on Joffrey's arm.

 

JOFFREY

Ow, ow, ow!

 

CERSEI

Please don't act like such a pussy.

 

JOFFREY

I wish I was more like my dad. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing in common with him, you know?

 

CERSEI

Oh believe me, you're your father's son all right.

 

JOFFREY

Do I have to marry Sansa?

 

CERSEI

Yes. Why wouldn't you? She's pretty, don't you think? And if you don't like her, you only have to fuck her every now and again to make a few babies, and then spend your time producing bastards with whores, or virgins, or whatever you prefer really.

 

JOFFREY

Woah, I wished you'd warned me that we were going to have The Talk, mum. 

 

CERSEI

I think you should do something nice for the Stark girl. Get her some flowers, maybe some chocolate. A puppy perhaps?

 

JOFFREY

No, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll crush the North. They have far too much power. I'm going to gather an army and march on Winterfell. I'll burn, rape and pillage every village from Moat Cailin to Mole's Town, then I'll instal my uncle Kevan as Warden of the North, double the taxes and wait until the smallfolk starve to death. I bet Sansa would just love that!

 

CERSEI

Boy, that escalated quickly.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. LORD EDDARD'S SOLAR**

 

Sansa is having supper with Septa Mordane while Arya is hacking the table to pieces.

 

SANSA

Don't you just love it when your siblings are behaving badly? No matter what I say now, she'll still seem like the naughty one.

 

ARYA

I want to kill Joffrey for killing Myach!

 

SEPTA MORDANE

Arya!

 

SANSA

The Hound killed Mycah, not Joffrey. Mm, The Hound…

 

ARYA

Well, I hate them all and I want them all dead! The Hound! The Queen! King Robert! Joffrey!

 

SEPTA MORDANE

Honestly, kids these days!

 

SANSA

Yes, her descent into madness has begun. Just wait for season three. By the end of book seven she'll be going by the phone registry to pick them off.

 

Enter Eddard

 

EDDARD

What's going on here?

 

SEPTA MORDANE

Your youngest daughter is threatening to kill the prince!

 

EDDARD

Really? Good girl! Go to your room, I'll come by later to give you some extended praise.

 

SANSA

Are you kidding me?

 

EDDARD

Oh, Sansa. I brought you a present. It's a doll. Basically this is me saying I'm hoping you'd rather play dress-up with dolls than dress-down with Joffrey.

 

SANSA

This is the most degrading moment in my life. Like, ever.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. ARYA'S DEN**

 

ARYA

I'm going to conveniently get my sword from its hiding place, despite my dad saying he'd come by earlier.

 

Eddard knocks on the door.

 

ARYA

I'm going to conveniently open the door whilst still holding the sword.

 

EDDARD

Whose sword is that?

 

ARYA

Come on, I'm a Wild Child, not a bloody thief!

 

EDDARD

This is no toy. Especially not a ladies toy.

 

ARYA

Well, you keep giving Sansa the dolls… What do you mean "ladies toy"?

 

EDDARD

Ah, Arya, you're like the son I never had.

 

ARYA

You have four, you know?

 

EDDARD

One can never have too many. Keep that sword, but try not to stick it anywhere inappropriate, all right?

 

 

**CUT TO INT. WINTERFELL, BRAN'S CHAMBERS**

 

OLD NAN is knitting what looks like a JUMPSUIT FOR A SMALL ANIMAL WITH TOO MANY LEGS while Bran is SLOWLY LOSING HIS WILL TO LIVE

 

OLD NAN

Would you like me to tell you a story?

 

BRAN

Old Nan, look at my face. Look at the torment that slowly burns a hole in my soul. Look at the despair, the hopelessness, the complete and utter surrender to the darkness. Do I look like someone who enjoys being told stories by an old hag? 

 

OLD NAN

Yes?

 

BRAN

Oh, go on then.

 

Enter Robb

 

ROBB

Are you telling him the one about the ice spiders? Here's hoping they'll never appear on the show. CGI spiders are always a bit meh if you ask me. Now get, I want a word with my brother.

 

BRAN

Will I ever walk again?

 

ROBB

Oh yes. Pretty much. Almost. I mean, you might not recover fully, but as far as walking goes, you could absolutely do it. Figuratively speaking. Or not. No. No, you'll never walk again. Sorry.

 

BRAN

O, woe is me, to have seen what I have seen and remembering fuck all.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE KITCHEN ENTRANCE TO KING'S LANDING - DAY**

 

Ser Rodrik Cassel and Lady Catelyn are attempting to sneak in without being seen, and are FAILING BADLY. They are approached by guards that look kind of like HARADRIM SOLDIERS minus the OLIPHAUNTS.

 

HARADRIM GUARDS

Lady Catelyn, Ser Rodrik, come with us please.

 

CATELYN

How on earth did you know it was us?

 

HARADRIM GUARDS

Well, Littlefinger told us about you, my lady, and I'm pretty sure there's only one man in Westeros who actually thinks it's stylish to tie his sideburns into a ponytail for his second chin.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. ONE OF THE MANY, MANY BROTHELS OF LITTLEFINGER**

 

LITTLEFINGER

Ah, Cat. Be sure to notice that I'm surrounded by half-naked half-your-age girls. Jealous yet?

 

CATELYN

Have you taken leave of your senses?

 

LITTLEFINGER

I know why you're here. Oh, just a second, we haven't seen any naked breasts yet this episode, better get some out. Good, thank you girls, you can go again. Now, where were we?

 

CATELYN

How? How could you know?

 

VARYS

Ta-daa!

 

CATELYN

Urgh. I should have known. I don't suppose either of you could tell me whose dagger this is?

 

LITTLEFINGER

Sure, it's mine.

 

CATELYN

You what?

 

LITTLEFINGER

Hah, that caught your attention, didn't it? You know what they say, all the best lies have a grain of truth in them. The owner of the knife was Tyrion Lannister. At some point in his life.

 

CATELYN

Yes, this suits my own suspicions just fine so I won't ask for any further details.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE MASSIVE GREEN SCREEN SET THAT IS CASTLE BLACK - DAY**

 

LORD COMMANDER JEOR MORMONT and Tyrion Lannister are watching the new recruits spar in the yard. Jon Snow is WINNING EASILY over everyone and SER ALLISER THORNE remains UNIMPRESSED.

 

TYRION

The Stark boy is pretty good, no?

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

I strongly doubt it will be in his favour.

 

JON

I make scripted fighting look hot. Just look at me go!

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

You may have the fangirls convinced, but nothing will ever sway a Drill Sergeant Nasty. Now drop and give me twenty!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE THRONE ROOM, THE RED KEEP, KING'S LANDING**

 

Eddard is walking around for NO PARTICULAR REASON, as you do when you have built an IMPRESSIVE SET and you want to make the most of it. Enter Grand Maester Pycelle.

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Um-um, top of the morning to you, my fine daffodil. What?

 

EDDARD

Oh, gods help me.

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

She saw the, um-um, armadillo float happily on by down the Trident.

 

EDDARD

Who?

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

What?

 

EDDARD

Look, do you need some help getting back to your chambers?

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Oh, most kind, good ser, most kind. But not until after the, um-um, trifle has set. What?

 

EDDARD

Is that a letter for me you're holding? Give that here.

 

Enter Littlefinger

 

LITTLEFINGER

That would be the letter telling you that Bran is awake, am I correct? You'll want to share the news with Cat, I expect. Come with me.

 

EDDARD

Why am I always the last one to know everything?

 

LITTLEFINGER

That's a very good observation you just made there. A shame you won't remember it later on this season.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE ABANDONED FIRST-FLOOR GIRLS' BATHROOMS AT CASTLE BLACK**

 

GRENN, PYP and RAST are beating Jon up for being BETTER THAN THEM

 

GRENN

Hold his head down and I'll flush!

 

JON

Mind the hair, mind the hair!

 

Enter Tyrion

 

TYRION

Sorry to interrupt, I'm looking for someone called Moaning Myrtle. Sounded like my kind of girl, you know?

 

RAST

The only girl here is Lady Snow.

 

TYRION

Bullying the bastard are we? I'll make sure everyone in King's Landing hears about this.

 

JON

No, please don't tell dad! You'll only make it worse!

 

TYRION

I did warn you about this.

 

JON

When you said rapists, robbers and wretched wankers I never thought it'd be this bad.

 

PYP

Yeah, we're still in the room, so…

 

 

**CUT TO INT. CERSEI'S CLEAVAGE**

 

CERSEI

Phew, this dress is a bit tight.

 

JAIME

Do you reckon there's still any Republicans still watching after the first episode?

 

CERSEI

As if they ever shied away from a little brother-on-sister action? Speaking of that episode, you know that the boy has woken up, right?

 

JAIME

Who cares? I'll kill anyone who finds out about us.

 

CERSEI

What about Robert?

 

JAIME

Oh, especially him. By the way, time to drop the C-bomb again. Cunt. There, I've said it.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. ROBERT'S PERSONAL ARBY'S**

 

King Robert is feasting while being served COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF WINE by LANCEL LANNISTER. They are also attended by SER BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY. Aw yiss. Just look at him. That is one badass motherfucker.

 

ROBERT

Do you remember your first time?

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

Of course. It was a Tyroshi. Never did learn his name.

 

ROBERT

Oh, exotic! And since we're sharing, mine was some Tarly boy. Pretty little thing.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

A worthy man, no doubt.

 

ROBERT

How did you do it?

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

Lance through the heart.

 

ROBERT

What!? Oh, errh… Ha ha. Yes. Of course. The first time you _killed_ someone. I see.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

What did you think we were talking about?

 

ROBERT

Wine, Lancel! I think we decidedly need more wine over here!

 

LANCEL

I am the most pathetic character on this show so far.

 

Enter Jaime Lannister

 

ROBERT

Kingslayer. You like that title do you?

 

JAIME

I mostly wear it out of habit. I mean, everyone and their aunt has killed the Lich King by now, but it does remind people that I was there for the server first. You can check my Feats of Strength tab if you don't believe me.

 

ROBERT

So, who was your first kill?

 

JAIME

An outlaw in the Brotherhood. I was sixteen and only a squire.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

Wait just a minute here. Weren't you sworn into the Kingsguard when you were fifteen? Yes, I distinctly remember it. Youngest member ever, et cetera.

 

JAIME

That was in the book. Try to keep up to speed, gramps. Look, do you need a hand with anything here? Because if it's all the same to you, I've got better things to do.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. A MINIATURE VERSION OF THE BAMBOO FOREST FROM CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON**

 

Daenerys and Jorah Mormont are riding at the front of the Khalasaar, watching Bloodriders being NASTY TO SLAVES.

 

DAENERYS

Slavery is such an ugly thing.

 

JORAH

Yes, I… I quite agree, of course.

 

DAENERYS

What kind of person would engage in slave trade?

 

JORAH

Perhaps some people have a good reason, you know? Like… If they were very strapped for cash.

 

DAENERYS

Monsters, the lot of them.

 

JORAH

Could we please talk about something else?

 

DAENERYS

Hey, did you see that? I swear I just saw a squirrel practicing Kung Fu over there!

 

Daenerys walks off into the bamboo. Enter Viserys.

 

VISERYS

Raah, raah, rant about awakening the dragon!

 

DAENERYS

Go on, have your fun. Next season it'll be me drilling people's ears out shouting about blood and fire.

 

Enter DR RAKHARO JONES

 

DR RAKHARO JONES

Dun-du-du-dun, dun-du-duh! Taste my whip, dragon boy!

 

DAENERYS

Oh, let him go, he's harmless.

 

VISERYS

Mormont! Kill him! I am your king!

 

JORAH

Yeah, about that… I'm kind of hoping for a QWB-deal here.

 

VISERYS

Huh?

 

JORAH

Queensguard. With benefits. 

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE WALL**

 

We follow Jon through a series of VERY DRAWN OUT SHOTS that serve to show us that the Wall is made up of an OBSCENE AMOUNT OF PIXELS.

 

JON

Goddamnit, uncle Benjen, I'm freezing my ears off here!

 

BENJEN

I know. I've been trying to get them to include a hat with the uniform for years, but apparently only old ladies at funerals wear black hats.

 

JON

Is it OK if I pull my hood up?

 

BENJEN

Gods, no! People might mistake us for ringwraiths or something. I hear you're settling in just fine, so I'm going ranging now.

 

JON

Oh, can I come?

 

BENJEN

No, you're one of the main characters, and I'm going to disappear for at least three seasons, maybe more. Promise you won't come looking for me.

 

JON

I promise.

 

BENJEN

Shake on it?

 

JON

Wow, you have really cold hands.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. IRRI'S OB/GYN CLINIC**

 

IRRI

Your boobs look big, Khaleesi. When was your last period?

 

DAENERYS

Urmm…

 

IRRI

Congratulations, you're having a boy!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. JORAH'S TENT**

 

Jorah and Rakharo are disagreeing on THIS AUTUMN'S ARMOUR TRENDS.

 

JORAH

Plate is like jeans. It's always in style.

 

RAKHARO

Hello? Boring! Heathen strips of leather is clearly the way to go.

 

Enter Irri

 

IRRI

You guys gotta help me. The Khaleesi is preggers and she has the weirdest cravings. Where is the nearest B&Q?

 

JORAH

About 40 days' ride away, in Qohor.

 

IRRI

Fuck! She wants plaster, badly!

 

JORAH

No problem, I'll go.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. LORD COMMANDER MORMONT'S QUARTERS, CASTLE BLACK**

 

Lord Commander Mormont and MAESTER AEMON are having words with Tyrion prior to his departure south.

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

Does anyone actually realise I'm Jorah's dad?

 

YAVANNIE

I don't think I did until the second book, to be honest.

 

MAESTER AEMON

Please, Lord Tyrion, tell the king to send more men to the Wall. Warriors. Knights. Good, strong men.

 

TYRION

In need of some eye candy are you, eh?

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

He's blind.

 

TYRION

Well, shit. I could have sworn he was looking right at me just a minute ago!

 

MAESTER AEMON

The Wall is the only thing that stands between us and a raving hoard of zombies. Believe me.

 

TYRION

How far away are they?

 

MAESTER AEMON

Five, maybe six seasons.

 

TYRION

Yeah, you're on your own, mates.

 

 

**CUT TO INT.-EXT.-THINGYMABOB, KING'S LANDING**

 

Arya enters to find SYRIO FOREL.

 

ARYA

Who are you?

 

SYRIO

Everyone's new favourite character.

 

ARYA

But I'm everyone's favourite!

 

SYRIO

A position which can be easily unmade. Watch!

 

ARYA

No one can compete with the Wild Child.

 

SYRIO

You underestimate my alluring accent.

 

ARYA

That's nothing compared to my unruly hair and boyish clothes.

 

SYRIO

My small stature and quirky grammar are worth far more.

 

ARYA

I suppose I'll let you have your fifteen minutes of fame until you're written out in a few episodes.

 

SYRIO

Just so.

 

 

 


	4. Episode 4 - Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Sunday, folks, and time for your weekly dose of Lols and Spoilers.
> 
> In this episode: Tyrion and Yoren invent time travel! Jon and Sam bromance! Daenerys in Hulk-like bad-acting shock!

**FADE-IN TO EXT. BRAN'S HAPPY PLACE**

 

Bran is WALKING AROUND in Winterfell.

 

BRAN

Walking around, using my legs, like a boss.

 

THREE-EYED CROW

How about no.

 

Bran WAKES UP.

 

BRAN

Goddamnit!

 

Enter Theon Greyjoy

 

THEON

Wake up you little shit, we've got visitors.

 

BRAN

You're not a Stark, you can't tell me what to do.

 

THEON

That's correct. I'm not his brother. Everyone got that now? Aaand they all still think I'm his brother. Hodor, get in here!

 

Enter HODOR

 

HODOR

_You don't have to do this, you know. You're not a slave. All you need to is speak up and say no. OK, focus, you can do this. Just say the words like you practiced earlier in the stables. Everything is going to be juuuust fi_ …HODOR!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE DARK, DREARY, DEPRESSING AND ALTOGETHER NOT-SO-GREAT HALL OF WINTERFELL**

 

YOREN is receiving a WARM WELCOME from Robb while Tyrion is being treated like SOMETHING THE DIREWOLF DRAGGED IN. A MONTH AGO.

 

ROBB

I'm going to be as rude as I possibly can without being downright offensive.

 

TYRION

Is it because I'm a dwarf?

 

ROBB

No, it's because you're an arrogant piece of Lannister shit who can't open his mouth without trying to be witty, and unless you hadn't noticed, us Starks have no sense of humour whatsoever. That, and mum reckons your sister tried to kill Bran, but I can't tell you that now can I?

 

Enter Bran and Hodor

 

BRAN

Kneel, Hodor.

 

HODOR

_Oh, this is just so degrading. I mean, these work conditions are absolutely dreadful. If only I could find some…_ HODOR!

 

TYRION

Congratulations on joining the CBBT-club.

 

BRAN

The what now?

 

TYRION

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things. Meetings every other thursday. We take it in turns to proved tea and cakes, and you're up… In two months' time, by my count.

 

BRAN

I think I'll give it a miss.

 

TYRION

Attendance is mandatory. You can ride on your horse, in the saddle which I've designed for you. You're welcome.

 

ROBB

This is some trick. I bet the stirrups have built-in springs that fire him into the air when he least expects it.

 

TYRION

That'd be pretty neat, actually, but no. 

 

ROBB

Well… Thanks, I guess. Oh, man. I'm so confused now! Why did a Lannister have to come and be all nice? I can't handle multifaceted characters.

 

TYRION

Don't worry, you're not one of them.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE COURTYARD AT WINTERFELL - DAY**

 

Tyrion and Theon are EXPLAINING TO VIEWERS that Theon is a HOSTAGE with the Starks.

 

TYRION

Listen closely as I enunciate these words. Greyjoy. Balon. Iron…Islands. Hos-tage. Hostage. 

 

THEON

I really doubt this will help.

 

TYRION

This conversation is so constructed there's still scaffolding around it. 

 

 

**EXTREMELY CONFUSING MATCH CUT TO EXT. CASTLE BLACK - DAY**

 

VIEWERS

Wait, is that Tyrion back at the Wall again?

 

DANIEL AND DAVID

No, it's just an extra. Sorry, our bad.

 

Jon Snow has been promoted to SELF PROCLAIMED MASTER OF ARMS and is helping Grenn, Pyp and Rast to improve their SCRIPTED FIGHTING SKILLS. Enter Ser Alliser Thorne dragging SAMWELL TARLY along behind him.

 

SAMWELL TARLY

As of now, I'm rushing ahead of Lancel in the race for most pathetic character on the show.

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

Since I'm a minor antagonist without room for any sort of redeeming features I'll now come up with a terribly boring nickname for you. Ser Piggy, that's a good one. Rast, hit Ser Piggy until he squeals like a pig. Ha ha, you get that? Ser Piggy? Squealing like a pig?

 

RAST

I will now take out all my pent-up anger towards Jon on this poor guy.

 

JON

Stop! Can't you see you're hurting him!

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

Aaah, yes, a chance to prove myself as a homophobe as well a complete idiot! Samwell and Jon-Jon sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G! Dear lord, one of these days I'll cut myself on my sharp wits.

 

Exit Ser Alliser Thorne and Rast

 

SAMWELL TARLY

Thanks, Jon. Actually, could I call you Frodo instead? You can call me Sam. Is it all right if I just follow you around wherever you go from now on?

 

JON

That sounds a bit inconvenient. Why didn't you just fight back?

 

SAM

Because I'm a craven.

 

AMERICAN VIEWERS

Right, they're talking foreign now. Fuck this shit, we're switching to The Walking Dead.

 

SAM

Ok, sorry, sorry. Coward. I'm a coward.

 

GRENN

Coward? Dude, I heard that shit is contagious! Don't come near me!

 

PYP

You're so slow that diseases grow bored waiting for you to catch them.

 

GRENN

Well you're stupid like… Someone stupid.

 

JON

Before we leave this scene, take a moment to appreciate how appallingly bad the extras behind me are at pretending to spar.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. A SURPRISINGLY STATUE-FREE VAES DOTHRAK - DAY**

 

Daenerys, Viserys and Jorah are STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD to have an EXPLANATORY DISCUSSION. AS YOU DO.

 

DAENERYS

I was told there was going to be two gigantic horses marking the entrance?

 

JORAH

Yes, you just rode below them a few seconds ago.

 

DAENERYS

Oh. I thought that was some kind of limbo pole.

 

VISERYS

Why is Khal Drogo marching my army in the wrong direction!?

 

JORAH

Army? What army? I count about ten Dothraki in this so-called-army in total. Look, when one walks out of frame past the camera he simply runs around to the back and lines up with the others again.

 

DAENERYS

Could a Dothraki army really conquer the Seven Kingdoms?

 

JORAH

Oh, yes, of course. Wait, is Viserys gone? Then, pfft, NO.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. VISERYS'S TENT OR HUT OR WHATEVER IT IS**

 

Viserys and Doreah are engaging in the first of many many SEXPLANATION SCENES. These are scenes where CANON STUFF is discussed to please THE BOOK READERS while TITS are shown to please the HBO AUDIENCE.

 

DOREAH

I was on Hollyoaks you know.

 

VISERYS

Do I look like I care? Let's talk about me. 

 

DOREAH

They call you the last dragon.

 

VISERYS

That's me.

 

DOREAH

Then you won't mind if I drip some hot wax onto your chest? 

 

VISERYS

Aaaaah, it burns, it burns!

 

DOREAH

This is significant stuff, folks, be sure to remember it later.

 

VISERYS

All right, I might not be a dragon as such, but I've seen several. Parts of several, at least. Well, some skulls, really.

 

DOREAH

Oh, please tell me their names. Dragons names turn me on.

 

VISERYS

Urrh…Valryon?

 

DOREAH

Oh, yeah.

 

VISERYS

Meraxes.

 

DOREAH

Mmm, more!

 

VISERYS

Vhaegar

 

DOREAH

Yes! Keep it coming!

 

VISERYS

And Balerion the Black Dread

 

DOREAH

Yes! Yes! Yeeeees!

 

THE BOOK READERS

Well, that was awkward.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE THRONE ROOM IN KING'S LANDING, WHERE ANY AND ALL CONVERSATIONS OF VARYING DEGREES OF IMPORTANCE TAKE PLACE, APPARENTLY**

 

Septa Mordane and Sansa are explaining how SUCCESSION works in Westeros.

 

SEPTA MORDANE

…So if you were to have no boys at all, the throne would pass to Tommen and/or his male heirs.

 

SANSA

Um, what if I sort of didn't have any boys or any girls and just had puppies instead?

 

SEPTA MORDANE

What!?

 

SANSA

Nevermind. Joffrey hates me you know.

 

SEPTA MORDANE

Of course he doesn't. Now that we're finished with our lesson on succession, let's move on to the history of King's Landing.

 

THE HBO AUDIENCE

Tits or GTFO!

 

THE FANFICTION FRONT FOR THE LIBERATION OF SANSA

Shut up you creeps, she's only a child!

 

SANSA

My uncle and grandfather were killed here, weren't they?

 

SEPTA MORDANE

You should talk to you dad about this.

 

SANSA

I hate my dad. So much.

 

SEPTA MORDANE

But why?

 

SANSA

Because I'm thirteen, that's why!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE RETIREMENT HOME FOR ELDERLY AND CONFUSED MAESTERS, GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE'S PADDED CELL**

 

Eddard is looking for CLUES regarding Jon Arryn's death.

 

EDDARD

You were treating Jon Arryn before he died, is that right?

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Um-um, yes, the little fishy-fish made the wine taste all funny you know. What?

 

EDDARD

Jon. Arryn.

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Oh yes! Um-um. That young lad who came around, asking for advice, what? Of course I know him. Um-um. 

 

EDDARD

Jon Arryn asked YOU for advice? About what?!

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Millennium hand and shrimp. What?

 

EDDARD

This is pointless. Hey, what's this? A record of books people have borrowed from the take-one-leave-one shelf? And look, it says here that Jon Arryn borrowed _The Lineages and Histories of the Great Houses of the Seven Kingdoms_ only a day before he died. This must be a CLUE!

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Um-um, I say, hallo! You must leave one if you take one! What!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE STAIRS IN THE TOWER OF THE HAND**

 

Arya is practicing WATER DANCING which disappointingly enough has little to nothing to do with SYNCHRONISED SWIMMING.

 

EDDARD

Be careful child, it's a long, hard fall down these steps.

 

ARYA

What are you, blind? It's like four feet, tops.

 

EDDARD

Tell me, child, what are you practicing so hard for?

 

ARYA

Syrio says you have to work hard to become a killer. And I'm going to kill _everyone_.

 

EDDARD

That's cute, but remember that you're a girl in a fictional medieval world, written by some old fart who was probably born in the dark ages himself. In those kinds of worlds, women stay at home to bear children and honourable men become heroes who fight the bad guys.

 

GEORGE R R MARTIN

Oh, Ned, you presume to know me? _Me?_ Let's just make a few alterations to the ending of this book here...

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE TOP OF THE WALL - NIGHT**

 

POLYSTYRENE SNOW is whirling everywhere as Samwell Tarly comes up to Jon Snow.

 

JON

*spits* I feel like I'm in that Gangnam Style video everyone's raving on about.

 

SAM

Boy, news _is_ slow to reach you up here, isn't it?

 

JON

What are you doing here, Sam?

 

SAM

I need to provide some background information as to why I'm at the Wall.

 

JON

Oh please, a bookish, cowardly, fat guy who makes a journey into manhood, manages to get friends, saves the day and eventually gets laid? Every author needs to write themselves into their books one way or another, we need no further explanation, Marty Stu.

 

SAM

But my dad...

 

JON

Spare us.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE KING'S LANDING ZEN GARDENS - DAY**

 

Littlefinger and Eddard are following a camera around WEST WING STYLE.

 

LITTLEFINGER

I hear you're reading a book. Wouldn't you just love know how I know?

 

EDDARD

I'm a dutiful man, I did sign my name on the list.

 

LITTLEFINGER

They say that book is cursed, you know. Anyone who touches it dies.

 

EDDARD

I'll make sure to hand it to Pycelle personally when I return it.

 

LITTLEFINGER

You shouldn't speak too loudly of such things. Look around you. Every single person you can see who isn't you is a spy.

 

EDDARD

Good grief!

 

LITTLEFINGER

I know, right? Let me just go on to loudly tell you a number of things that spies are probably interested in hearing.

 

EDDARD

That seems a bit out of character.

 

LITTLEFINGER

Don't blame me, blame the script writers.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER - TOURNAMENT GROUNDS EDITION**

 

SER HUGH OF THE VALE is imagining he is a HORSE, running up and down the JOUSTING AREA. Enter Jory Cassel.

 

JORY

Ser Hugh?

 

SER HUGH OF THE VALE

Nyyy-hahahah. 

 

JORY

Hello? Ser Hugh?

 

SER HUGH OF THE VALE

Be quiet, you're putting me off my trot.

 

JORY

I've been asked to speak with you. The Hand of the King sent me.

 

SER HUGH OF THE VALE

I don't speak to lowly scum. If the Hand wants me he can come fetch me himself.

 

JORY

Lowly scum? I'll have you know I've been a knight for eight years, that's a hell of a lot longer than you!

 

SER HUGH OF THE VALE

Read the script again. You've been de-knighted. Possibly for this scene alone. Read it and weep.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. A SMITHY IN KING'S LANDING**

 

Eddard is looking for MORE CLUES in a smithy where TOBHO MOTT and GENDRY WATERS are working.

 

EDDARD

Yo dawg, I heard you like questions so I came to ask you some questions about a guy who came here asking questions.

 

TOBHO MOTT

Is it about the boy again?

 

EDDARD

The boy?

 

TOBHO MOTT

You Hands are always asking about the boy, well, here he is.

 

GENDRY

I'm sweaty, wearing a sleeveless leather jerkin and have oiled my biceps just for you, m'lord.

 

TEAM GENDRY FANGIRLS

SO not disappointed! 

 

EDDARD

What did Jon Arryn want with you?

 

GENDRY

He asked me about my mother. What she looked like.

 

EDDARD

And what did you tell him?

 

GENDRY

That she had yellow hair, like the queen and all of her children and the Kingslayer. Unlike me, I have brown hair. Kind of like the King, you know. Must have gotten it from my father.

 

EDDARD

How anyone can find this interesting is beyond me. Wait… OH!

 

 

**BLATANT MATCH CUT TO INT. THE RED KEEP, JAIME'S FACE**

 

Jaime is standing guard outside King Robert's door. It sounds like he has COMPANY. Enter Jory.

 

JORY

I have a message from the Hand.

 

JAIME

Do I look like some bloody handmaiden? Piss off, I'm eavesdropping on Robert.

 

JORY

What is this, International be-rude-to-Jory Day?

 

JAIME

Jory, is that your name then? 

 

JORY

We've met before you know. We fought side by side during the Greyjoy Rebellion. Some guy whose name no one will remember anyway nearly cut my eye out.

 

JAIME

Oh yes, I remember now. You fought bravely. You were knighted for that, I presume?

 

JORY

I was. IN THE FUCKING BOOKS.

 

JAIME

Let's have one more mention of how Theon Greyjoy was taken hostage by the Starks after this to expel any and all doubts that he's related to them.

 

SHOW VIEWERS

Theon? He's, like, Robb's older brother or something?

 

THEON

I give up!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE EXTREMELY POORLY LIT DINING HALL AT CASTLE BLACK**

 

Samwell Tarly enters… Oh, sorry, that was actually Jon Snow wearing an ENORMOUS CLOAK. Ahem. Jon Snow enters the dining hall where THE ONLY THREE OTHER CHARACTERS WE EVER SEE HERE are eating.

 

GRENN

Where have you been?

 

JON

Watch duty with Sam.

 

PYP

I love it when you've been the weird kid and then along comes another, even weirder kid. From zero to fully-fledged bully in a day!

 

JON

If you keep teasing Sam, I won't play with you anymore. I'll also beat the shit out of you at practice.

 

PYP

Ser, yesser! No more teasing Sam!

 

RAST

I'm apparently even slower than Grenn. I must be approaching reversal soon. Jon, I'll never leave Sam alone. I mean, what are you going to do about it?

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE DORMITORY AT CASTLE BLACK. I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE THEY HAVE A CASTLE THAT ONCE HELD FIVE THOUSAND MEN AND COULD EASILY GIVE EVERYONE A FOUR FUCKING BEDROOM APARTMENT. THAT'S NOT HOW MALE BONDING IS DONE.**

 

RAST

Zzzzzzzz

 

JON

Wakey-wakey, eggs and bacey.

 

GHOST

Grrrrrrr

 

RAST

Woah, WHAT THE FUCK! How come we haven't seen that wolf in all the three episodes you've been here!

 

BUDGET DPT.

Because reasons.

 

JON

I don't even need to threaten you, I know you'll leave Sam alone now.

 

RAST

I… I think I peed a little.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE COURTYARD AT CASTLE BLACK**

 

THE USUAL SUSPECTS are sparring, overseen by Ser Alliser Thorne.

 

SAM

Unf. Ouch, my hand!

 

RAST

Did you seriously just drop your sword from hitting me with it?

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

Why aren't you hitting him, Rast? Someone else hit him! Grenn, hit him!

 

GRENN

Hit me, Sam.

 

SAM

Unf.

 

GRENN

STOP TRYING TO HIT ME AND HIT ME!

 

SAM

*whack*

 

Grenn does his best impression of an ITALIAN FOOTBALL PLAYER LOOKING FOR A PENALTY

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

Something fishy is going on here, and I think I know who's behind it. SNOW!

 

JON

Was my insolent grin that obvious, ser?

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

When you're out there, beyond the Wall, where I've probably never been because all I'm good for is flaming noobs like you, do you want a man by your side, or a snivelling coward?!

 

JON

I'll grudgingly concede that you have a point, but then again, I did this mainly to annoy you.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. DAENERYS'S PAVILION IN VAES DOTHRAK**

 

Viserys is dragging Doreah along by the hair.

 

DAENERYS

Beware, I'm about to get angry, and my acting tends to get really shoddy when I'm angry.

 

VISERYS

You invite me to dinner and want to give me gifts? How dare you?

 

DAENERYS

I AM DAENERYS STORMBORN, AND I'M A FREAKING A KHALEESI, CARRYING KHAL DROGO'S CHILD! YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!

 

VISERYS

Egads that was awful.

 

DAENERYS

This was a bit of a strange scene, felt a bit detached, don't you think?

 

VISERYS

Yeah, I think they needed something to put in between all the Jon/Sam bromance scenes.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE DINING HALL AT CASTLE BLACK**

 

Sam and Jon are scrubbing tables and sharing stories about girls to show that they're DEFINITELY NOT GAY.

 

SAM

I bet you've had hundreds of girls…

 

JON

No, but I will have once this series airs.

 

SAM

How many then? I mean, being fat and all I'm obviously a virgin.

 

JON

Ok, this sounded much more realistic in the books where I'm not even 15 yet, but here I'm a 25 year old actor playing a 17-year old, so… I'm a virgin too.

 

TEAM JON FANGIRLS

Omg so cute!

 

JON

It gets even better, girls.

 

SAM

What do you mean?

 

JON

Basically, I nearly did it once, with that one whore who replaced all the other whores from the books. And you know, there she was, and there I was, and then I thought, no. I'm a bastard, you know that, right? And I don't want to be responsible for putting another bastard into the world. And that's when I decided I was going to take the black. It was the honourable thing to do. 

 

SAM

Hang on, if she was a whore, don't they have like "ways" of dealing with that? Moon tea I think it's called.

 

JON

Don't go spoiling it, man! I need all the 13-17-year olds watching believing THEY will be the one I'll give up my honour for.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. DAENERYS'S PAVILION, VAES DOTHRAK**

 

Daenerys is fretting about her BAD ACTING in the previous scene while Jorah Mormont tries to comfort her.

 

JORAH

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

 

DAENERYS

It was! And he's the King and everything!

 

JORAH

Can you really see him on the Iron Throne?

 

DAENERYS

He wouldn't be a very good king, would he? 

 

JORAH

No.

 

DAENERYS

Why do you follow him?

 

JORAH

Actually, I'm following you, and right now I'm torn between assassinating you to appease Robert Baratheon, or trying to pass a move on your cute behind. Better not say that out loud though.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE HASTILY ERECTED TOURNAMENT GROUNDS OUTSIDE KING'S LANDING**

 

YAVANNIE

Pretty much everyone is in this scene, I can't even be arsed introducing them all.

 

KING ROBERT

Did you have to breed the bloody horses before the jousting could begin? GET ON WITH IT!

 

LITTLEFINGER

Why hello Sansa, you remind me of my first girlfriend. 

 

SANSA

Urgh, creep. Woah, who's that enormous guy who's just about to joust?

 

LITTLEFINGER

They call him the Mountain that Rides. It's the Hound's older brother, Ser Gregor Clegane.

 

SER GREGOR CLEGANE

Don't look too closely, I'll be recast after this season.

 

SANSA

And who's the opponent?

 

LITTLEFINGER

That's Ser Hugh of the Vale.

 

SER HUGH OF THE VALE

I really, really have to do a number two. Any chance someone else could step in for me?

 

Ser Hugh of the Vale is RUN THROUGH by Ser Gregor's lance and lands right in front of the Stark girls.

 

SANSA

That blood pulsating out of his neck is so yucky, yet so fascinating.

 

ARYA

That. Was. AWESOME! 

 

LITTLEFINGER

Did you know that Gregor was the one who burned the face of the Hound?

 

THE HOUND

What the fuck? How do you know that? No one knows that! Someone stop him, he's stealing my scene!

 

THE SANSAN SHIPPERS

OMFG this just went AU in the worst possible way! That scene was PIVOTAL! Incoming tumblr rage post bonanza!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE INN AT THE CROSSROADS WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, IS MUCH, MUCH CLOSER TO KING'S LANDING THAN WINTERFELL. LIKE FIVE TIMES CLOSER.**

 

Catelyn and Ser Rodrik Cassel are having a quiet meal. Enter Tyrion and Yoren, who have apparently travelled via a WORM HOLE from the OPENING SCENE of this episode.

 

GEORGE R R MARTIN

People are just _not_ going to shut up about this, are they?

 

INNKEEP

I'm sorry m'lord, we don't have any rooms.

 

TYRION

There's always room for someone with gold to spare.

 

BRONN

You can have my room.

 

TYRION

I like you already.

 

BRONN

People have no idea how much they'll love me in a season or two.

 

MARILLION

Please, my lord of Lannister, let me loudly draw your attention towards this end of the room where we have two people who are trying to hide from you.

 

TYRION

Well, well, well, what have we here. Lady Stark!

 

CATELYN

Shit.

 

TYRION

Your oldest son was very rude to me when I last saw him. Any explanation for that?

 

CATELYN

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do have an explanation for that. I thought you were the smart Lannister, but it appears you were stupid enough to try and assassinate my son using your own dagger. I'm not even going to consider the possibility that I'm wrong about this. Bannermen of my father, Lord Hoster Tully, ASSEMBLE!

 

TYRION

Am I the only one here who thinks that your way of stressing every single word in every single sentence is among the top three most irritating things on this show?


	5. Episode 5 - The Wolf and the Lion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening all and welcome to this week's episode of Lols and Spoilers!
> 
> Today's specials: The Hound is no ser! Dany pregnant? Full scoop and pictures inside! Eddard slowly descends into a self-destructive spiral of duty and honour! And more! Please, read on... And leave a comment if you like what you see :)

 

 

**FADE-IN TO EXT. THE TOURNAMENT GROUNDS, DAY 2 - DAY**

 

Eddard walks in to a tent where Ser Hugh of the Vale is HAVING HIS HEAD SEWN BACK ON. Watching this, since it's a MAJOR FUCKING BADASS THING TO WATCH, is Barristan Fucking Selmy.

 

EDDARD

How unfortunate that the very man I was going to question about Jon Arryn's death turns up dead at the hands of a Lannister catspaw.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

Yeah, bad luck going against Gregor. Few men can withstand him.

 

EDDARD

Surely no match for you though, Ser Barristan? The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, finest knight in the Seven Kingdoms et cetera.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

Too fucking right I am. I'd turn the Mountain into a pile of gravel and then use him to fill potholes in the Kingsroad. Come on, let's go watch king Robert trying to squeeze himself into a size XXL.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE DRESSING ROOM AT THE H &M PLATE-AND-CHAIN SECTION**

 

Lancel Lannister is FAILING BADLY.King Robert is a BALDING FATTY.

 

LANCEL

It won't go, Your Grace, it's too small.

 

ROBERT

Bah! I swear this shop makes everything one to two sizes smaller than all the other ones!

 

EVERY GIRL EVER

Yes! Thank you!

 

EDDARD

Be that as it may, you're also quite simply a fat bastard.

 

ROBERT

Hahaha! Ned! You crack me up!

 

EDDARD

Hahaha!

 

LANCEL

Hahaha! Haha…Ha?

 

ROBERT

What? Think this is funny? Huh? Do you?

 

LANCEL

There's nothing I can say here that won't be turned against me, is there?. I'll just go find you another size, Your Grace.

 

Exit Lancel

 

EDDARD

I hear you're thinking of fighting in the melee today.

 

ROBERT

No, the joust. We haven't cast Thoros of Myr yet, so the melee was a no go.

 

EDDARD

Ah. Let me rephrase. I hear you're thinking of jousting today.

 

ROBERT

Too damn right! I've only got about two more episodes in which to be loud and boisterous, I might as well make the most of it.

 

EDDARD

Yeah, I don't think it's such a good idea, and I think your horse will be the first to agree.

 

ROBERT

Well I think it's a bloody brilliant idea, and you can't stop me.

 

EDDARD

You do realise that no one in their right mind would actually do their best against you, their king? Hmm… Oh, I say, you could win back all that prize money I made Littlefinger borrow! Never mind everything I just said, go ahead and joust, please.

 

ROBERT

No, you've put me off now.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE JOUSTING GROUNDS - DAY**

 

The clip of Ser Gregor Clegane from LAST EPISODE is shown again. Enter LORAS TYRELL.

 

SANSA

Ohh, it's the Knight of Flowers!

 

EDDARD

Couldn't they have come up with a more obviously gay nickname?

 

LORAS TYRELL

I'm going to hand this rose to… The young lady sitting directly in front of Renly.

 

SANSA

Thank you Ser Loras. Too bad I prefer it doggy style.

 

RENLY

Ooh, gurl, you have _no_ idea.

 

Ser Loras and Ser Gregor joust and it soon becomes apparent that SER GREGOR'S HORSE is most definitely NOT GAY.

 

LORAS TYRELL

Yay, I won, I won!

 

SER GREGOR CLEGANE

SWORD!

 

SER GREGOR CLEGANE'S SQUIRE

I quite possibly have shit for brains.

 

Ser Gregor turns the scene into APOCALYPSE NOW.

 

HBO AUDIENCE

What the fuck, man!? The horse!?

 

LORAS TYRELL

Ohshitohshitohshit.

 

THE HOUND

I'm kinda pissed they didn't show me knocking Jaime off his horse, but I suppose I'll settle for a fight scene.

 

SANSA

Nnnngggg... Dat fight scene.

 

EDDARD

Sansa, are you quite all right?

 

SANSA

Woof! What? Uh…

 

ROBERT

I'm going to sit here and watch this for a few minutes before I demand that they lay down their weapons. Ok, that's enough now.

 

THE HOUND

The way I now simultaneously kneel and duck for Gregor's sword is GIF-worthy.

 

LORAS TYRELL

I owe you my life, ser.

 

THE SANSAN SHIPPERS

Wait for it, wait for it…

 

THE HOUND

I'm no ser.

 

THE SANSAN SHIPPERS

Yesssss!

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE OUTLAW-AND-HILL-TRIBE-RIDDEN ROAD TO THE VALE - DAY**

 

Catelyn and her entourage are taking a break in a conveniently HILLY SPOT. Like, PERFECT FOR AN AMBUSH.

 

SER RODRIK CASSEL

By nightfall these hills will be swarming with hill tribes.

 

MARILLION

_Bravely short Lord Tyrion_

_Rode forth from the Crossroads..._

 

TYRION

Erh, excuse me but… This doesn't seem to be the road to Winterfell.

 

CATELYN

You don't say?

 

TYRION

Ah, we're going to your sister. It was a while since you last saw her, right? She's changed. Put on some weight. Amongst other things.

 

Suddenly, MARILLION is ALMOST KILLED as the HILL TRIBES descend on the company, ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN. While Bronn is engaging in some MAJOR KICKASSERY, Catelyn is LYING AROUND USELESSLY. Tyrion manages to snatch up a shield, and, mistaking it for a hatchet, tries to mine some poor tribesman's tooth gold out.

 

CATELYN

Phew, that was one hell of a fight. Did you see me lift my arm up that one time to cover my face? Anyone dead?

 

MARILLION

Yeah, pretty much everyone who hasn't been mentioned by name. Myself not included, unfortunately.

 

CATELYN

Ser Rodrik! You're hurt!

 

SER RODRIK CASSEL

'Tis but a scratch. I've had worse.

 

BRONN

Nice technique there, Tyrion. I bet you carve one hell of a pumpkin on Hallowe'en. 

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE WINTERFELL PRACTICE YARD - DAY**

 

Bran and Maester Luwin are having an OUTDOORS LESSON for no other reason than also having Theon in the scene PRACTICING ARCHERY.

 

MAESTER LUWIN

In this scene, we'll start with some background information on noble houses and their words. Starting with the Greyjoys of the Iron Islands.

 

BRAN

Theon is a Greyjoy.

 

THEON

Yes, for the umpteenth time.

 

MAESTER LUWIN

Please stop carving at the table, Bran, and pay attention.

 

BRAN

But this is how us Stark kids show that we're angry with our parents.

 

MAESTER LUWIN

Let me tell you the graphic story of how I pulled you out from between your mother's legs when you were born.

 

THEON

I'm a sick bastard and get turned on by this sort of thing. Better go find Ros.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THEON'S LOVESHACK**

 

THEON

Welcome to this episode's sex-from-behind-scene. 

 

ROS

Here in Westeros we make sure the boobs are always showing.

 

THEON

Let's do the unexpected and talk a bit about the fact that I'm not a Stark, but a hostage. Since I was eight.

 

ROS

And while we're on the topic of unexpected, I'll now amaze you all with how much a prostitute knows about politics.

 

HBO AUDIENCE

Yeah we've stopped bothering with this scene by now. 

 

 

**CUT TO INT. EDDARD'S SOLAR**

 

Varys the Spider is walking around, pretending as if closing shutters made from CHICKEN WIRE actually shuts noise out.

 

VARYS

Did you know Jon Arryn was poisoned? The tears of Lys, they call it. Can't be traced, you can't taste it, you can't see it. 

 

EDDARD

I'm just going to assume you can't trace it unless you're Batman or a eunuch and not press the matter further. Who did it?

 

VARYS

I don't know, but probably someone close to him.

 

EDDARD

Aha! Ser Horse of the Vale! Then he cleverly got himself killed so no one would ever know. Damn that man!

 

VARYS

I can see why you and Catelyn make a good couple. I'm sure your detective skills go unrivalled in the North. Listen, someone obviously paid Ser Horse… I mean Hugh to do this.

 

EDDARD

But why would anyone want to kill Jon in the first place?

 

VARYS

Let's just say he had a habit of asking too many questions. A trait he seems to have passed on to you, if you take my meaning.

 

EDDARD

Yeah, I should probably keep my nose out of it. Oh, wait, no I shouldn't, because duty.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE BIG BARATHEON SELF STORAGE FOR OUTSIZE FURNITURE, GRAND PIANOS, DRAGON SKULLS ETC.**

 

Arya is CHASING CATS when Magister Illyrio and Varys the Spider appear, talking about VARIOUS IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS.

 

BOOK READERS WHO HAVE ONLY READ THE BOOKS ONCE

Omfg I had totally forgotten about this. Illyrio? Really? So many things just made sense! 

 

THE DIE HARD FANS

Hah, noobs.

 

HBO AUDIENCE

I just… What?

 

 

**CUT TO INT. ONCE A-BLOODY-GAIN THE THRONE ROOM IN THE RED KEEP**

 

Varys and Littlefinger engaging in VERBAL FENCING that serves little more purpose than establishing the LIFE-LONG ENMITY between them.

 

VARYS

I'm clearly the clever one here.

 

LITTLEFINGER

No, I am. 

 

VARYS

Yeah? How about I tell you I know that your niece whatsherface told uncle soandso about the thing with the whatsit and all the mess with the upstairs bathroom and that plunger that went missing. What do you say to that, huh?

 

LITTLEFINGER

Oooh, only that I overheard your sister-in-law saying to grandpa suchandsuch that the blue bobbin with the ten-foot hairy giant was in fact responsible for tampering with the doo-doo on aunt May's sewing machine. So yeah…

 

VARYS

Damn it you're good!

 

RENLY

What are you two lovebirds peeping about? You're late for the small council meeting.

 

LITTLEFINGER

Uh, then you're late as well.

 

RENLY

My dear lord Baelish, I'm not late, I'm _fashionably_ late.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. EDDARD'S SOLAR**

 

Arya is acting a bit STUPID FOR AN 11-YEAR OLD, because the scene was ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR A 9-YEAR OLD.

 

ARYA

But daddy listen! There was something about a monster and a savage and then Septa Mordane said, and then Sansa, and then… Then the dragon skulls!

 

EDDARD

And then?

 

ARYA

No and then!

 

EDDARD

You're making absolutely no sense. Go play with your duplo or something.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE EASTERN ROAD - DAY**

 

Lady Catelyn and friends are being met by GUARDS FROM THE VALE.

 

LADY CATELYN

I say, who goes there?

 

SER VARDIS EGEN

Not the Blackfish, sorry.

 

THE DIE HARD FANS

Hiss, boo!

 

TYRION

Even though everyone here clearly knows it already, I'll just go ahead and point out to the viewers that the matte painting over yonder is called the Eyrie. They say it's impregnable. 

 

BRONN

The way you say "impregnable" makes it sound like you've got some kind of house fetish.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE SMALL COUNCIL CHAMBER**

 

The small council members are rifling through THIS WEEK'S TABLOIDS.

 

ROBERT

Here, would you look at that! It says in the Daily Mail that Daenerys Targaryen is pregnant!

 

EDDARD

Get out!

 

ROBERT

No, look, there's pictures and everything.

 

RENLY

Yeah, I don't know… I think she kind of just looks a bit fat. That dress is really unflattering.

 

ROBERT

That's it! I want her dead! Her and the baby both!

 

EDDARD

That's a bit extreme. Do we have a reliable source?

 

VARYS

It says here that the photos were taken by one Jorah Mormont.

 

EDDARD

Oh, that one. Yeah, I'd trust him about as far as I could throw him. He was always good with photoshop, you know.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

Shouldn't I be here to hear this?

 

DAVID AND DANIEL

No. Because transferring page to screen reasons.

 

RENLY

I agree with my brother. What she's wearing in that picture is crime enough to have her beheaded.

 

LITTLEFINGER

Yeah, I don't really care either way.

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Um-um, bugger'er, it'll be a kindness.

 

EDDARD

You choose _this_ to be your one moment of clarity?

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Hello? Yes, this is dog. What?

 

EDDARD

Screw you guys, I'm going home!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE EYRIE**

 

LYSA ARRYN is sitting in her throne, BREASTFEEDING HER SON in what is quite possibly THE MOST REVOLTING SCENE IN TELEVISION HISTORY.

 

LYSA

Oh, don't be so prejudiced. Breast milk is good for a child.

 

CATELYN

For heaven's sake, he has to bend down to suck on them.

 

ROBIN ARRYN

I've had my name changed because apparently people can't handle it when two people are called the same thing. Also, check out my milk mustache.

 

TYRION

There's parenting, and then there's attachment parenting, and then there's overly attached crazy mums, and then there's this.

 

ROBIN ARRYN

Bitty!

 

HBO AUDIENCE

Oh man, these boob shots are so not doing it for me right now.

 

ROBIN ARRYN

I want to see the dwarf fly.

 

LYSA

Maybe we will see him fly. *cackles manically*

 

TYRION

Pardon me, lady Arryn, but you do know that hallucinogenics is passed over through the milk?

 

CATELYN

Coming here was a huge mistake.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. LORAS'S HOUSE OF WAX AND WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT DOLLS HERE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, NO THIS IS BRAZILIAN ALL THE WAY, BABY**

 

Ser Loras is giving Renly the FULL BODY TREATMENT.

 

LORAS

This is the male on male version of a sexplanation scene.

 

RENLY

Then why is there no sex?

 

LORAS

Because people are bleeding homophobes.

 

RENLY

Let's see how many sexual innuendos about sticking stuff into stuff and things "rising" we can put into this two minute scene.

 

LORAS

The point, however, is that we're letting people know that you have your own aspirations to gain the throne.

 

RENLY

I do? I will honestly settle for some kinky fuckery with you.

 

LORAS

I suppose there's time for that as well…

 

RENLY

What are you doing down there? Surely those bits don't need sha… Ooooh my!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. ROBERT AND CERSEI'S CHAMBERS**

 

CERSEI

So, you've fired Ned…

 

ROBERT

No, I won't give the job to Jaime.

 

CERSEI

No, no. He has too much on his hands to be Hand anyway. Although the title does seem strangely fitting somehow…

 

ROBERT

Then why are you here?

 

CERSEI

To talk about Lyanna and gain some sympathy with viewers.

 

ROBERT

Pfft, you're beyond redemption.

 

CERSEI

Oh, am I? Watch as I bring up the nonexistent child we never lost again.

 

ROBERT

That's cheating. It clearly is.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. SOME BROTHEL, MORE LIKE THAN NOT ONE OF LITTLEFINGER'S… WAIT, LITTLEFINGERS'. LITTLEFINGERS'S? FUCK IT, PETYR'S.**

 

SOME WHORE is nursing a BALD BABY.

 

SOME WHORE

She looks just like him, don't you think? She has his nose, his hair…

 

BALD BABY

I clearly have no hair whatsoever. Who do you think you're fooling? This is a TV show, not a fucking audio book.

 

EDDARD

Anyway, we'll agree that this is Robert's baby. Let's talk about Jon Arryn.

 

SOME WHORE

Yeah, is that becoming the new "thing" now? 

 

EDDARD

What?

 

SOME WHORE

Asking questions. It seems to get lots of people off, I don't know…

 

LITTLEFINGER

This is indeed my brothel. Here is today's selection of breasts.

 

JORY CASSEL

Boooooobs…

 

EDDARD

Pick your chin off the floor, Jory, we're off.

 

They exit to the street.

 

JORY CASSEL

I will not forget those boobs for as long as I live.

 

JAIME

Funny you should say that…

 

EDDARD

Jory, noooooo!

 

Jaime and Eddard then engage in some SERIOUSLY MANLY DUELING. Of the three BADASS SCRIPTED FIGHT SCENES in this episode, Yavannie is forced to admit that this is BY FAR THE BEST ONE. It's so good that making fun of it isn't even funny. So yeah.

 

 

**FADE-OUT TO CREDITS**

 

HBO AUDIENCE

What? No Dany this episode? No Jon?

 

BOOK READERS

Oh, cry me a river. What do you know about "no Dany" and "no Jon"? Go read A Feast for Fucking Crows, THEN we'll talk.

 

 

 


	6. Episode 6 - Golden Crown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to this week's episode of Lols and Spoilers. 
> 
> Coming up tonight! Can we possibly fit in more explanatory scenes about Theon Greyjoy not being a Stark? Of course we can! How canon is Bronn? Very! How hot is Jorah for Dany? Not at all! 
> 
> On with the show!

**FADE-IN TO INT. WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN EDDARD'S DREAM ABOUT LYANNA IN THE TOWER OF JOY, BUT NOOO, IN THE TV SERIES WE DON'T DO THE COOL, IMPORTANT DREAMS**

 

BRAN, JAIME, DAENERYS AND JON, AMONGST OTHERS

Tell us about it.

 

Eddard is waking up to Cersei and King Robert staring down at him.

 

EDDARD

I dreamt…

 

CERSEI

No, it'll give too much away. Just keep your trap shut.

 

ROBERT

Ok, Ned, here's the deal. I know you and your bitch have some sort of grudge against the Lannisters, and I'm way past caring. Like, way past.

 

CERSEI

I don't care if you don't care as long as you say that I'm right.

 

ROBERT

No!

 

CERSEI

Bros before hoes now, is it?

 

Robert SLAPS Cersei

 

CERSEI

Not cool, Robert. Not cool.

 

Exit Cersei

 

EDDARD

I'm just going to lie here, pretending that slapping your wife around is totally OK.

 

ROBERT

She made me do it.

 

EDDARD

Yeah, still not saying anything.

 

ROBERT

Look, I've forgiven you for acting so stupid earlier. You have your job back.

 

EDDARD

I sort of… Quit?

 

ROBERT

Well boo-fucking-hoo, I'm the king here. Now take this golden hand before I give it to Jaime Lannister.

 

JAIME

I suppose one can never have too much gold.

 

GEORGE R R MARTIN

Evil Santa is listening.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. DAENERYS'S KITCHEN**

 

Daenerys is attempting to make OMELETTE.

 

DAENERYS

Right, the recipe says two eggs, but this one is a bit on the large side…

 

Enter Irri

 

IRRI

Khaleesi! What are you doing?

 

DAENERYS

Why? What's wrong?

 

IRRI

To make an omelette, you must break a few eggs, not just roast them in their shells. It is known.

 

DAENERYS

I'll just go ahead and pick this up without my oven gloves, Chef Ramsay style.

 

IRRI

What are you, some sort of cyborg?

 

GORDON RAMSAY

What the fuck is this!? This egg is so undercooked you could use it to glaze buns! Preheat oven to Seven Hells or at least Funeral Pyre, read the fucking instructions!

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE WOODS OUTSIDE WINTERFELL - DAY**

 

Bran is EXTREMELY PLEASED about sitting on top of a horse while Theon Greyjoy and Robb are discussing Jaime Lannister.

 

THEON

He tried to have your father killed! Are you just going to stand by and do nothing?

 

BRAN

Woohoo!

 

ROBB

Yeah, you know it takes a couple of months to get down there. I'd hate to get to the Twins and find that they're friends again.

 

BRAN

Yipee!

 

THEON

Ok, never mind that then. Let's mention that I'm not a Stark. Again.

 

ROBB

...Where's Bran?

 

THEON

He's your bloody brother, not mine.

 

Meanwhile, Bran has ridden into trouble, and is surrounded by OSHA, INSIGNIFICANT WILDLING 1 and INSIGNIFICANT WILDLING 2

 

OSHA

Yes, it's me, Tonks. Although in this scene, the hair and make up department decided to leave me in the tumble dryer until I looked like the lovechild of Edward Scissorhands and Bellatrix Lestrange.

 

INSIGNIFICANT WILDLING 1

I'm going to cut a four-inch gash in this child's leg and not even blink. Savages be savage.

 

BRAN

That's fine, I can't feel a thing. Hey, where are the wolves?

 

ROBB

They've outgrown the CGI budget. Don't worry though, they don't call me the young wolf for nothing.

 

Robb proceeds to cut down INSIGNIFICANT WILDLING 2 

 

INSIGNIFICANT WILDLING 3

Where did I just come from? Oh well, I'm only here to die anyway. Aaaargh!

 

Insignificant wildling 3 THROWS HIMSELF AT ROBB'S SWORD

 

OSHA

Why doesn't the mace stun effect ever proc when you actually need it?

 

ROBB

Oh, not one of these morally ambiguous situations again. Father taught me to never hit a woman, but what about if one's about to beat your brains out with a sledgehammer? 

 

INSIGNIFICANT WILDLING 1

Drop the sword, fancypants, or the cripple gets it.

 

ROBB

I wish I had a gun.

 

THEON

Who needs guns when you have bows?

 

INSIGNIFICANT WILDLING 1

At least I was given a few lines before they killed meaaaaargh….

 

THEON

What about this one?

 

OSHA

Please, milords, spare me. My name is Osha, and I'll be good to you.

 

THEON

Osha? Funny coincidence, I have a sister named Asha. 

 

DANIEL AND DAVID

No. No you don't.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. BECAUSE INT. REALLY DOESN'T CUT IT HERE, TYRION'S SKY CELL AT THE EYRIE - DAY**

 

Because a scene like this wouldn't be complete without it, Tyrion is SLEEPROLLING TOWARDS THE EDGE.

 

TYRION

Oh, Jesus, that was close! 

 

BOOK READERS

Even for GRRM that would have been unexpected.

 

Enter MORD

 

MORD

I'm like Hodor's evil twin brother

 

TYRION

Urm, me Tyrion, you Mord. Me free, you gold?

 

MORD

Fuck off!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. SYRIO FOREL'S DANCING STUDIO**

 

SYRIO

Plié, if you please. And a-one-two-three..

 

ARYA

They killed Jory. I don't feel like practicing today.

 

SYRIO

Have you ever said to the air that you do not feel like breathing? No? Well then.

 

ARYA

That's the worst analogy ever.

 

SYRIO

They've based my entire dialogue on Paolo Coelho's _The Alchemist_ , what can a man do?

 

 

 

**CUT TO INT. INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM**

 

Daenerys is eating a RAW HORSE HEART.

 

THE DOSH KHALEEN

Kah-li-mah, Kah-li-mah, Kah-li-maaaah!

 

DAENERYS

I'm not sure this Atkin's diet is agreeing with me.

 

VISERYS

Are you sure she's pregnant?

 

JORAH

Why?

 

VISERYS

Shouldn't we see at least a hint of belly by now?

 

JORAH

Umm…

 

DAENERYS

Omg, I'm about to barf.

 

KHAL DROGO

I swear to you woman, don't even think about it.

 

Daenerys pukes into her hand and then EATS IT AGAIN

 

KHAL DROGO

That's my girl!

 

LYSA ARRYN

And you think my breastfeeding was worse than this?

 

VIEWERS

Yes. Definitely yes.

 

VISERYS

Oh my god. They actually love her. I'll never have that army, will I?

 

JORAH

Umm…

 

VISERYS

Fuck it, I'm outta here!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. DAENERYS'S FRIDGE**

 

Viserys is helping himself to some eggs.

 

VISERYS

Yes, three should be enough for about ten pancakes…

 

JORAH

Put those eggs back.

 

VISERYS

I've read fantasy novels, you know. I need _provision_.

 

JORAH

Quick-and-dirty explanative comment that you can't wear swords in Vaes Dothrak.

 

VISERYS

I'm going to have a little breakdown about how nobody loves me now. Oh, and I know you want to nail my little sister.

 

JORAH

What? Noo!

 

VISERYS

Mark Wahlberg would have done a better job, honestly.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE NURSERY, AKA THE HIGH SEAT, AT THE EYRIE**

 

Lysa Arryn is thankfully keeping her BOOBS INSIDE HER DRESS while Tyrion is TELLING DIRTY JOKES

 

TYRION

Did you hear the one about taming the one-eyed trouser-dragon?

 

LYSA

No.

 

TYRION

How about the septa and her meat thermometer?

 

LYSA

I'm afraid not.

 

TYRION

The maester and his middle leg?

 

LYSA

Stop this nonsense!

 

TYRION

Surely you've heard about Samwell Tarly and the fat, pink mast?

 

BOOK READERS

DON'T!

 

ROBIN ARRYN

I want to know about the fat, pink mast mummy!

 

TYRION

Let's get this mummer's farce over and done with. I want a trial.

 

LYSA

Oh good! Robin here is our resident judge.

 

TYRION

By combat. 

 

LYSA

Hah, very well. Ser Vardis Egen will be my champion.

 

TYRION

And I want Jaime as mine.

 

LYSA

Of course. As long as he can be at hand today, because we're having the trial now.

 

TYRION

Well fuck.

 

BRONN

Can I take that dude? Yeeaah, pretty sure I can. For the right amount of gold, of course…

 

TYRION

Is my name Lannister or is it? You're hired.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE KING'S HUNTING GROUNDS, THE CROWNLANDS - DAY**

 

King Robert is hunting, accompanied by Renly, Lancel the AMBULATING OFF LICENSE and Barristan Fucking Selmy.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

I have never felt more out of place.

 

LANCEL 

More wine, your grace?

 

ROBERT

Don't mind if I do. Real men drink lots of wine. Renly take note!

 

RENLY

Are you questioning my manliness? Bitch please, Loras can vouch for me.

 

ROBERT

Do you remember when life was all about fucking and fighting? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

 

LANCEL

More wine, your grace?

 

ROBERT

Give it here. Aaah, life was simpler when...

 

RENLY

Seriously, all this talk about the old times. Take off your rose-tinted goggles, will you. Am I right, Ser Barristan?

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

I really don't feel like giving my honest opinion on the kings I've served.

 

LANCEL

More wine, your grace?

 

ROBERT

Does Tywin Lannister shit gold? OF COURSE FUCKING OF COURSE!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE THRONE ROOM IN KING'S LANDING AND FOR ONCE, SOMEONE IS SITTING ON THE BLOODY THRONE AND ACTUAL STUFF IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING**

 

Eddard is holding court and listening to PEASANTS relating news of the Riverlands being HARRIED BY RAIDERS.

 

PEASANT

They took our crops, m'lord.

 

EDDARD

Hm. Go on.

 

PEASANT

They took our women m'lord, and then they… They took them again, m'lord.

 

EDDARD

Urgh.

 

PEASANT

They took our children and put them in pits and burned them alive, m'lord.

 

EDDARD

Jesus Christ on a bike. Anything else?

 

PEASANT AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM

They took our jerbs!

 

PEASANT

They left some fish…

 

LITTLEFINGER

Fish? I say, isn't that the sigil of House Tully? You know, your wife's house. I seem to remember it being a fish.

 

EDDARD

Are you for real asking that? Not only are you supposedly some kind of criminal mastermind who knows everything, but you also FUCKING GREW UP THERE. 

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Um-um, Bessie, did you turn the gas off before we left? What?

 

PEASANT

So these men were led by someone eight feet tall who hacked the head off a horse with a single blow.

 

EDDARD

I can see where this is headed.

 

LITTLEFINGER

You know, that sort of reminds me of someone. Let me think. Ah yes, the Mountain. Ser Gregor Clegane. The brother of the Hound. That man who executed his horse during the jousting a couple of episodes back. Sworn to Tywin Lannist…

 

EDDARD

Will you stop being so goddamn obvious!?

 

HBO AUDIENCE

Hey, we're actually understanding something here for once, leave him alone.

 

EDDARD

Ser Not-Beric-Dondarrion?

 

SER NOT-BERIC-DONDARRION

Aye my lord.

 

EDDARD

Gather a hundred men and bring Not-Ser-Anymore Gregor Clegane to justice. Also let it be known that Tywin Lannister is an insufferable jerk and that I wish to go to war with him.

 

LITTLEFINGER

All according to plan...

 

SER NOT-BERIC-DONDARRION

I have a feeling my face is going to be digitally replaced with that of Richard Dormer in some upcoming DVD box set.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE ONLY SET THEY BUILT FOR THE EYRIE**

 

Bronn and Ser Vardis Egen are preparing to fight.

 

CATELYN

Somehow this scene isn't as exciting as the other fight scenes. I mean, we've already had Tyrion nearly die once this episode, so it's not likely to happen now, is it?

 

TYRION

I know. It's a recurring thing. Let's face it - I'm Tyrion Lannister, I'll be here until at least season six and I keep nearly dying every other episode. I'm still going to make a good job of my reaction shots though.

 

BRONN

I am so canon that book fans are about to cream their pants.

 

SER VARDIS EGEN

Oh look, we're about to have a "This is Sparta"-moment.

 

BRONN

Did you not hear me? I am fucking canon!

 

BOOK READERS

…I just came.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. A SCENE THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS AND REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO HERE EITHER**

 

Sansa is being rude to Septa Mordane when Joffrey enters.

 

JOFFREY

In a bid to confuse viewers, I'm going to act the perfect gentleman now.

 

SANSA

Let me remind you all how annoying I actually was in the first book. 

 

JOFFREY

Everything I say in this scene is a huge, fat lie.

 

SEPTA MORDANE

I'm not buying it.

 

HBO AUDIENCE

Yeah, we're not buying it either, to be honest.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. ANOTHER SCENE THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS AND _DEFINITELY_ DIDN'T NEED TO HERE EITHER - DAY**

 

Ros is leaving for King's Landing, much to the DISMAY of Theon Greyjoy.

 

THEON

What are you doing?

 

ROS

Pretending to inform viewers that there's going to be a war between the Starks and the Lannisters.

 

THEON

Yeah, I think we know by now. So what are you really doing?

 

ROS

Showing everyone my coochie. Ta-daa.

 

THEON

Clearly, the curtains match the drapes.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. EDDARD'S CHAMBERS, THE RED KEEP**

 

Eddard is telling Sansa and Arya to pack their things.

 

SANSA

I'm going to rave about how much I love Joffrey and how I don't want to leave him.

 

EDDARD

The sensible thing to do here would be to actually trust my kids enough to let them know why we're leaving.

 

ARYA

I want to bring Syrio!

 

SANSA

I want babies with golden hair!

 

EDDARD

Hoooly shit… Golden hair!

 

SANSA

I'm off to destroy my entire family with one simple sentence. Laters.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. KHAL DROGO'S PARTY TENT**

 

GENERIC ETHNIC DANCING AND DRUMMING is going on sort of like that one scene in THE MATRIX RELOADED.

 

VISERYS

In this scene, I'll act like a complete and utter moron throughout.

 

DAENERYS

It's OK. We both know what side the coin landed on when they flipped it for you. What do you want?

 

VISERYS

I just want my golden crown. Fuck me, right?

 

DAENERYS

Yeah, we had to sell that before we moved to Pentos, if you remember…

 

KHAL DROGO

No, that's fine. He can have his golden crown.

 

VISERYS

Really? Like, really really?

 

KHAL DROGO

Sure. Why not?

 

VISERYS

Wow, thanks man! Awesome!

 

VIEWERS

Is he really this stupid?

 

DAENERYS

They should have done a better job explaining the whole deal about inbreeding making you a bit soft in the head sometimes.

 

KHAL DROGO

See this belt? It's made from EZ-melt Gold. Watch as it turns liquid in a matter of SECONDS! If you call now on 0800-EZ-MELT, we'll give you two for the price of three! If you're among the first five hundred to phone in, we'll throw in a chewy toy for your dog! Offermayvaryfromfreecitytofreecitypleasecontactyourlocalezmeltsalesrepformoredetails. Termsandconditionsapply.

 

DAENERYS

He was no real dragon. Fire can't kill a dragon.

 

THE DIE HARD FANS

Wait, does this mean that that's canon now? Seven hells! Off to westeros.org! Time to update Jon Snow theories!

 

 

 

 


	7. Episode 7 - You Win or You Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, with just an hour to spare, we managed to get this week's instalment of Lols and Spoilers up and running. In tonight's episode:
> 
> Jon Snow treated for PTSD after being named for the stewards instead of the rangers! Ros does terrible job of replacing Token Black Girl! Jorah Mormont doesn't even know what zone he's in anymore! And much, much more...

 

**FADE-IN TO EXT. WAR OF THE ROSES, LANCASTER CAMP - DAY**

 

EXTRA ROLLING A BARREL

Don't mind me, this is just an establishing shot.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. TYWIN LANNISTER'S MAGICAL MYSTERY TENT WHERE YOU CAN FLAY AN ANIMAL OVER AND OVER AGAIN AD INFINITUM**

 

TYWIN LANNISTER is skinning ROBERT BARATHEON. Sorry, a STAG. Also, behold the majesty and wonder of the man who is CHARLES DANCE for he will become your FAVOURITE THING EVER in season two. Jaime Lannister is reading the arrest order for Gregor Clegane.

 

TYWIN

Just listen to my voice. It's on par with that of Morgan Freeman. If I published the Yellow Pages as an audiobook, it would sell better than Fifty Shades of Grey.

 

THE 50-SOMETHING WOMEN OF THE WORLD

Or you could just, you know, release Fifty Shades of Grey as an audiobook…

 

TYWIN

Been there, done that, google it.

 

JAIME

Dad, do you want a hand with that?

 

TYWIN

Whatever my children say, I will reply as if they're utter fuckwits. Which they are.

 

STAG

Look at my hide in this shot… Nearly all gone…

 

TYWIN

Why is Ned Stark still alive?

 

JAIME

Because a stab to the leg usually isn't mortal?

 

STAG

Aaaaand it's back! It's magic!

 

TYWIN

Why can't you ever do anything properly? I ask you to marry, you take a vow of celibacy behind my back. I tell you that was stupid, you proceed to break it with your sister.

 

JAIME

Maybe I just wanted to do my own thing, you know.

 

TYWIN

I am surrounded by idiots! I'll give you one more chance. Take half of my army and go sit outside Riverrun. Just fucking sit there, OK? Do you think you can manage that without fucking up?

 

JAIME

Yeah, I think I'll be able to handle that.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE BOTANICAL GARDENS OF CONTEMPLATION AND INTRIGUE, KING'S LANDING - DAY**

 

Eddard is WASTING PRECIOUS TIME. Enter Cersei.

 

EDDARD

Game over, Cersei. I know that your children are Jaime's.

 

CERSEI

And…?

 

EDDARD

To be frank it's a bit icky. 

 

VIEWERS

Understatement of the century!

 

CERSEI

Do you know why I hate your family, Ned?

 

EDDARD

Well, it is sort of the main plot of this whole season…

 

CERSEI

Lyanna. She stole the love of my life. I was so happy when my father said I was to be married and one day become queen. He was so handsome, and he played the harp, but he only had eyes for her. His silvery hair...

 

EDDARD

Wait, what? Who are you talking about?

 

CERSEI

Rhaegar, of course! 

 

EDDARD

No, no, no. Not Rhaegar. Robert. We can't go bringing more characters in now.

 

CERSEI

Fine! Cut, let's take it from the top again, but this time with Robert. Ugh.

 

EDDARD

By the way, you should probably start freaking out about the fact that I'm on to your twincest with Jaime. I'll be a good sport and give you a day's head start.

 

CERSEI

Yeah, I think I'll just chill.

 

EDDARD

I probably should find this a bit suspicious, but I know I'm RIGHT so fuck that.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE MOST AWKWARD SEXPLANATION SCENE SO FAR**

 

Littlefinger is writing a letter while Ros and a RANDOM WHORE are taking it in turns FAKING ORGASMS.

 

ROS

In case you were wondering how in the seven hells I got here so quick, I found Yoren's wormhole, conveniently located just outside Winterfell.

 

BOOK READERS

So… Are you going to be a permanent fixture now?

 

ROS

Yep. I hope you weren't too fond of Chataya and Alayaya, because you're getting me instead.

 

BOOK READERS

But you're not black!

 

ROS

Exactly.

 

BOOK READERS

This sucks.

 

LITTLEFINGER

Girls, you're making Meg Ryan look like Academy Award material.

 

ROS

Sorry, my lord. Why don't you show us what it's like with a real man?

 

LITTLEFINGER

No. And I'll now tell my whole life story to you random prostitutes whilst pretending it has some connection to the two of you showing your tits to the HBO audience who won't be listening to what I'm saying anyway.

 

BOOK READERS

Okay… Most clunky retelling of back story so far.

 

HBO AUDIENCE

Story? What story?

 

ROS

So if the book readers already know, and the HBO audience doesn't care, why exactly…?

 

LITTLEFINGER

Yeah I know. Let's just forget this scene ever happened.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE GREAT HALL AT WINTERFELL**

 

Osha is doing her usual CRAB WALK WITH HER HEAD COCKED LIKE A LARGE BIRD WITH A NECK PAIN carrying a BUNDLE OF STICKS while Theon Greyjoy looks on.

 

THEON

What are you doing?

 

OSHA

I'm playing XXL Mikado.

 

THEON

I have an XXL Mikado stick you can play with…

 

OSHA

Thanks but no thanks.

 

THEON

Thanks but no thanks MY LORD.

 

OSHA

Are you the lord of Winterfell? I thought your little brother was.

 

THEON

For fuck's sake, he's not my fucking brother! I am a Greyjoy, of the Iron Islands! My father is Lord Balon Greyjoy! Get with the fucking program already! Jesus!

 

OSHA

So… Not a lord then?

 

THEON

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU!

 

Enter Maester Luwin

 

MAESTER LUWIN

Theon, treat our guest with a bit of respect, will you.

 

THEON

She's a prisoner, not a guest!

 

MAESTER LUWIN

And you are…?

 

THEON

I have had it with these motherfucking Starks in this motherfucking keep!

 

Exit Theon

 

MAESTER LUWIN

So, what's your story?

 

OSHA

I was trying to escape from the zombie horde beyond the Wall.

 

MAESTER LUWIN

I'm supposed to be this wise, kindly old man, and I keep not knowing my shit. This will make you question just about anyone's judgement. So yeah, not gonna believe you about the zombies.

 

OSHA

Your loss. Wanna play Mikado?

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. JON'S FOOT AT THE VERY EDGE OF THE WALL - DAY**

 

Jon and Sam are teetering on the edge of the Wall, AS PER USUAL.

 

SAM

I miss girls.

 

JON

Oh, Sam.

 

SAM

You know, in this light you almost look like a girl…

 

JON

What!? It's noon!

 

SAM

Yeah.

 

JON

I have beard! Can you not see the beard?

 

SAM

Not if I squint.

 

JON

Hey, that's uncle Benjen's horse down there.

 

BENJEN'S HORSE

I have seen some shit.

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

I have a bad feeling about this.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. KING ROBERT BARATHEON'S DEATH BED**

 

Cersei, Renly, Grand Maester Pycelle, Joffrey and Barristan Fucking Selmy are hanging around WAITING FOR THE KING TO DIE. Enter Eddard.

 

EDDARD

Impaled by a pig? Really? I didn't know they were cannibalistic.

 

JOFFREY

Is it my turn to have a go on the throne yet, mum? Is it? Is it?

 

CERSEI

If by your turn you mean my turn, then yes. Soon…

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

Um-um, buggrit. Take this bread and put it in your trumpet. What?

 

KING ROBERT

By the gods I've been a shit king.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

What can I possibly say to this that's at the same time truthful and non-offensive?

 

RENLY

Excuse me, I just remembered something my Queen told me once about carpe diem and such.

 

CERSEI

Me?

 

RENLY

Er, yes, of course. What other queens are there? Ha ha. BBL guys.

 

KING ROBERT

The rest of you piss off as well, I want to talk to Ned.

 

Exeunt all but Eddard and King Robert

 

EDDARD

Now would probably be a good time to tell you that your kids aren't yours. Wait, I can't do that to a dying man, can I? 

 

KING ROBERT

Help Joffrey be a good king.

 

EDDARD

Mm-hm.

 

KING ROBERT

You will, won't you?

 

EDDARD

Certainly. Ahem.

 

KING ROBERT

Good. Now help me write my will. I, Robert Baratheon, the first of his… Blah, blah, fill in the titles, you know them better than I do… Name Lord Eddard Stark, titles, titles, to be the Lord Protector of the Realm until my son Joffrey comes of age.

 

YAVANNIE

Call me lazy, but why bother making up funny dialogue when this is actually what he says?

 

KING ROBERT

Did you get all that?

 

EDDARD

Until my COUGH COUGH AHEM comes of age. Yep, got that.

 

KING ROBERT

Good, now please feed me copious amounts of drugs so I can die in peace.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. KHAL DROGO'S HAIR SALOON**

 

Daenerys is now SPEAKING FLUENT DOTHRAKI while there's still no sign of a BABY BUMP.

 

DAENERYS

Why do we settle for Essos, my sun and stars?

 

KHAL DROGO

Because Westeros seems like a pretty shitty place if you ask me. Winters that last for years, taxes, stupid wars and rebellions, zombie invasions…

 

DAENERYS

You're a savage. I suppose you'd never understand. 

 

KHAL DROGO

Let's just wait for house prices to go down a bit, shall we? That one you were looking at has a massive outstanding debt attached to it.

 

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. SOME LEFTOVER GENERIC ORIENTAL MARKETPLACE SET FROM XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS**

 

Daenerys is complaining to Jorah about her husband.

 

DAENERYS

It's like… He never listens, you know!

 

JORAH

I listen to you.

 

DAENERYS

I know! I wish he could be more like you.

 

JORAH

Hey, you know what? I AM me.

 

DAENERYS

Haha, you silly man, of course you're you.

 

JORAH

What I meant was… Oh, nevermind. Go and enjoy the market, princess. I'm going to see if there's any news about your assassination.

 

While Jorah receives news of a ROYAL PARDONING should Daenerys die, Dany herself is about to SAMPLE SOME POISONED WINE.

 

JORAH

This is where I prove once and for all that my biggest weakness is women.

 

OVERENTHUSIASTIC WINE MERCHANT

Drink the wine, Khaleesi! Drink it! Drink, drink, drink! Come on, help me out here!

 

DOREAH

Drink, drink!

 

JORAH

Hold your horses. You drink first.

 

OVERENTHUSIASTIC WINE MERCHANT

Watch my legs go into Hanna-Barbera mode!

 

DAENERYS

Oh, Ser Jorah! You've saved my life!

 

JORAH

Yeah! I knew I made the right choice. Now come here and give me the hero's kiss I deserve.

 

DAENERYS

You are a true friend!

 

JORAH

I…What?

 

Jorah Mormont has UNLOCKED A NEW TITLE and will now be known as SER FRIENDZONED.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE COURTYARD AT CASTLE BLACK**

 

Lord Commander Mormont is HOLDING A FINE SPEECH to those about to be sworn in to the Night's Watch while Sam and Jon keep talking over it like the SPOILED BRATS they are.

 

SAM

You'll make a fine ranger. Me, I'm for the stewards for sure.

 

JON

Being a steward is honourable. A fine position. I'd be happy to be one.

 

SAM

Ah, you're just saying that.

 

JON

No, really.

 

BOOK READERS

Shut the fuck up, we can't hear the canon!

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

Anyone here who still keeps the Old Gods?

 

JON

I do, my lord.

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

Ooh, pretty boy has to be all special and keep the _Old_ Gods. Guh. I bet you only buy vinyl records and second hand clothes too.

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

Very well. You can take your vows at the Heart Tree north of the Wall.

 

SAM

Can I come too?

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

Do the Tarlys keep the Old Gods?

 

SAM

No, I just really want to stay close to Jon.

 

JON

You're starting to creep me out, you know.

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

By the way, Jon, you're going to be a steward.

 

JON

What!? No fucking way! Is this some kind of sick joke? No wait, you read that wrong, didn't you? Or maybe there's another Jon here? 

 

SAM

I thought you said it was an honourable position.

 

JON

I LIED!

 

MAESTER AEMON

Here's a list of your day-to-day duties as the Lord Commander's personal steward, Jon.

 

JON

Change bedding. Empty piss-pot. For breakfast, boil three eggs for precisely seven and a half minutes. Make sure to scrub smallclothes clean of skid marks… Fuck this shit!

 

SAM

Can't you see, Jon, you'll be his personal steward. He's an old man now, likely to die in the next few years. He's grooming you for command!

 

JON

By having me wash his undies!?

 

SAM

Bitch please, have you never watched a Kung Fu flick?

 

 

**CUT TO INT. SOME CORRIDOR IN THE RED KEEP**

 

Renly is trying to make Eddard see the LIGHT OF REASON.

 

RENLY

I know he named you lord protector of the realm. Now is the time to strike.

 

EDDARD

What do you mean?

 

RENLY

Take Joffrey into custody and make me king!

 

EDDARD

What about Stannis? You're the younger brother, you can't be king before him.

 

VIEWERS

Woah, woah, hang on. Does Renly know about Cersei and Jaime now? Did you guys talk about this before or something?

 

RENLY

Oh piss on Stannis! He's a miserable old git. He never smiles! I'd be a much better king!

 

EDDARD

Look, Renly, I know. I hear what you're saying but… DUTY! DUTY! AAAAH!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. EDDARD'S SOLAR**

 

Eddard is recovering from his fit of Duty and is now attempting to keep his disease in check by writing a letter to STANNIS BARATHEON.

 

EDDARD

*mutters feverishly* The duty… The honour… The right thing…

 

Enter Littlefinger

 

LITTLEFINGER

You called?

 

EDDARD

Cersei's children are not Robert's. They're all Jaime's.

 

LITTLEFINGER

O RLY?

 

EDDARD

Stannis will be the new king.

 

LITTLEFINGER

What an exceptionally shitty idea, my lord. I think we should do this my way.

 

EDDARD

No, you will help me do this _my_ way. The _honourable_ way.

 

LITTLEFINGER

Oh Ned, you just keep making mistake after mistake, don't you? I can see the viewer's pulling their blushing-blankets up to cover their faces from all the way back here.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. A WEIRWOOD GROVE BEYOND THE WALL - DAY**

 

Sam and Jon are taking their VOWS in front of a HEART TREE and seriously, can we talk about these trees for a minute? Because I don't recall them ever being described as having a tiny, cute little face painted on in FUCKING CRAYOLA CRAYON. Nothing about this face says CARVED. AT ALL. I wanted DEEP, RAW GASHES. I wanted SPIKY TEETH. I wanted RIVERS OF RED SAP. This is NOT OKAY.

 

SAM AND JON

Night gathers, and now my watch begins

It shall not end until my death

Except when I sleep

Or when I go for a leak

Or when I sort of just zone out for a minute when I'm really bored

I shall take no wife, and the whores in Mole's Town don't really count, do they?

I shall hold no lands and father no children, so long as them girls remember to drink their moon tea

I shall wear no crowns and win no glory

Except if I'm revealed as a secret Targaryen

In which case I'll have a dragon and no one will give a shit if I said some words in front of a tree or not

I pledge my life and honour to the Night's Watch

For this night and all the nights to come

 

GHOST

Look master, I bear gifts!

 

SAM

Gods be good, it's Jaime Lannister's hand!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. KHAL DROGO'S PAVILLION OF PAIN**

 

The Overenthusiastic Wine Merchant is CHAINED TO A POLE while Daenerys FRETS.

 

DAENERYS

I just feel like, you know, like I'll never be properly safe!

 

JORAH

If I'm going to keep being your agony aunt, I'm going to want something in return.

 

Enter Khal Drogo

 

KHAL DROGO

Moon of my life, are you hurt?

 

DAENERYS

No, my sun and stars, thanks to Jorah here I am alright.

 

JORAH

I think I just puked a little.

 

KHAL DROGO

Jorah the Andal. You're a good friend of me, and my wife. Have a horse.

 

JORAH

If I was in the friendzone before, then what kind of zone is this?

 

KHAL DROGO

I'm feeling generous today, so I will also give my unborn son a gift. I promise to take the Seven Kingdoms, and to use all my contacts at the Iron Bank to get a good interest rate on the mortgage for that Red Keep. I also promise to redistribute wealth to favour the middle class. I will introduce bank holidays six times a year, and build a ski slope at the Wall to bring more business to the North and slow the depopulation of the countryside. I will…

 

DAENERYS

That's all very nice, dear, but people don't want to hear that. So please just shout a bit about riding wooden horses across the poison water and whatnot.

 

KHAL DROGO

Wife, I am disappoint.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE ROAD LEADING FROM VAES DOTHRAK - DAY**

 

Khal Drogo's khalassar is riding out, with the Overenthusiastic Wine Merchant looking A LITTLE LESS ENTHUSIASTIC THAN NORMAL, naked and STUMBLING ALONG BEHIND A HORSE.

 

YAVANNIE

Nothing happens in this scene, but it deserves a mention since there's a PENIS in it! Look at it! It may not be pretty, it may not be erect, but it's a PENIS all the same!

 

NOT-SO-OVERENTHUSIASTIC WINE MERCHANT

Oh god why.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THAT CORRIDOR IN THE RED KEEP AGAIN**

 

Eddard is walking with Littlefinger and Varys.

 

LITTLEFINGER

All is seen to my lord.

 

EDDARD

Good. Where is Renly?

 

VARYS

He left in haste this morning with Loras Tyrell. Something about an Alexander Wang giveaway down in Highgarden.

 

Enter the UNNAMED STUCK-UP PAGE from episode 3

 

UNNAMED STUCK-UP PAGE

King Joffrey has requested your presence in the throne room.

 

EDDARD

KING Joffrey?

 

UNNAMED STUCK-UP PAGE

You mean you haven't heard? Robert is dead.

 

EDDARD

Dead!?

 

UNNAMED STUCK-UP PAGE

Dead, yes. Are you deaf, my good man? He has passed on. He is no more. He has ceased to be. He has expired and gone to meet his makers. He is a stiff. Bereft of life. He rests in peace. His metabolic processes are now history. He is off the twig. He has kicked the bucked. He has shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible. HE IS AN EX-KING!

 

EDDARD

We must act at once!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE THRONE ROOM**

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

Note how I'm the only one in the Kingsguard who's not wearing a helmet.

 

THE HOUND

Special Lord Commander thing?

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

No, it's just so that people can see my face and actually know who I am. It is a bit uncomfortable though, my neck exposed and all.

 

ALL 600 MEN IN THE NIGHT'S WATCH

That's cute.

 

EDDARD

I have this piece of paper that says I'm to rule in Joffrey's stead.

 

CERSEI

Let me see that. Oops, accidentally dropped it into the shredder. Bad luck, eh?

 

EDDARD

It's not the piece of paper that's important anyway, it's the duty! And doing the right thing! Guards, seize them!

 

LITTLEFINGER

You know that moment when you realise that you're the only person in the room who's just not getting the joke? Everyone else is laughing and you just can't figure out why. You know that feeling?

 

EDDARD

I don't do laughing.

 

LITTLEFINGER

No, Ned, because the joke is always on you.

 

 


	8. Episode 8 - The Pointy End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiatus? What? Me? Nooo....

**FADE-IN TO EXT. AND INT. VARIOUS PLACES AROUND THE RED KEEP**

 

Syrio is TAPPING Arya with his WOODEN SWORD. And NO, I'm NOT going there. If you just did, it's YOUR dirty mind, not mine. MEANWHILE, Lannister guards are running around like JOHN CLEESE'S SIR LANCELOT THE BRAVE ON SPEED, KILLING HALF THE CASTLE. In other news, Sansa is RUNNING PRETTILY WITH HER SKIRTS HOISTED UP.

 

YAVANNIE

I'm sure this cross-cutting between the practice fight and the real fight has some sort of symbolic meaning, but I'll be damned if I can make any sense of it.

 

ARYA

No, look, there's plenty of foreshadowing here when Syrio tells me to see with my eyes and hear with my ears et cetera.

 

SYRIO

Just so.

 

SER MERYN TRANT

You get a sword in the belly! And you get a sword in the belly! Everyone gets a sword in the belly!

 

SANSA

I'm listening to Kate Bush on my iPod and imagining myself in a music video.

 

SER MERYN TRANT

Aha, here is the Stark girl and her dancing master. Come with me into certain death. Don't mind the swords dripping with blood and whatnot.

 

ARYA

All right then.

 

SYRIO

What the fuck did I just tell you, girl?

 

SER MERYN TRANT

I will now allow the Bravosi to dispose of all my henchmen with his practice sword while I watch from the sidelines.

 

SYRIO

As would any respectable villain. Arya, run along to your daddy now. 

 

ARYA

But… But…

 

SYRIO

Look, you need to let me have my off-screen death so that people will make crackpot theories about me.

 

GEORGE R R MARTIN

You know, all this shit makes me regret even including some of these characters. Patchface, for one.

 

THE HOUND

Grrr, little bird, what are you doing here all alone?

 

SANSA

Stay away from me.

 

THE SANSAN SHIPPERS

Aaaw!

 

THE HOUND

What? I know they aged her up a bit but… Come on, she’s thirteen!

 

THE SANSAN SHIPPERS

Does she look like she cares!? Do we look like we care!?

 

THE HOUND

You bloody well should!

 

ARYA

This is a shot of me seeing with my eyes and hearing with my ears.

 

YAVANNIE

Yeah I still think it's a bit far-fetched.

 

THE WORST CHILD EXTRA IN TELEVISION HISTORY

I'm ten times worse than Mycah. There is the girl come here the queen will give me a reward.

 

ARYA

Oh god that's awful. Better kill you quickly.

 

THE WORST CHILD EXTRA IN TELEVISION HISTORY

I can't even die properly

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THAT FAMOUS SCENE FROM _THE SEVENTH SEAL_**

 

Ned is LOOKING A BIT WORSE FOR WEAR. The OMINOUS CREAKING of a DUNGEON DOOR can be heard.

 

NED

Who are you?

 

VARYS

I am Death. I have come to fetch you. 

 

NED

You have come for me?

 

VARYS

I have been for a long time at your side.

 

NED

My body is ready.

 

VARYS

Look, why in all the seven hells did you tell Cersei that you knew about Joffrey.

 

NED

*pulls out folders* Do you have a minute to talk about the Word of Our Lord the Most Honourable Mr. Duty?

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE WALL**

 

The ZOMBIE WIGHTS BOBSLEIGH TEAM is being pulled into the courtyard.

 

SAM

If these dudes have been dead for a while, they should have been smelly, right? I can't smell a thing.

 

WIGHT

*whistles*

 

BLACK BROTHER ASCENDED EXTRA

I dunno. They're frozen solid. I mean, even frozen fish doesn't smell much.

 

SAM

Umm...

 

 

**CUT TO INT. LORD COMMANDER MORMONT'S CHAMBERS**

 

Enter Jon.

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

Have a drink, Jon.

 

JON

This can't be good.

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

Well, the king is dead and half of your family are neck-deep in shit down in King's Landing.

 

JON

I must go! My people need me! If I use the wormhole I can be there in no time at all!

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

Oh but wait. Sorry. My mistake. Your family is here now, remember?

 

JON

But why would you…?

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

It's early days yet, but your whole story arc is basically all about you wallowing in self-doubt as to whether or not you're making the right choices. Better get used to it.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. A VERY DEEP HOLE.**

 

Sansa is attempting to DIG HER WAY OUT.

 

SANSA

It's all a big mistake, really. 

 

CERSEI

Your father is a traitor. You can't marry Joffrey now.

 

SANSA

Well, that's relief.

 

CERSEI

OR any of the Lannister household, including guards.

 

SANSA

Damn it! I haven't done anything! Neither had my father. Set him free, please!

 

VARYS

Ah, the innocence of children.

 

LITTLEFINGER

Yeah, she's innocent. For now… *wiggle wiggle*

 

CERSEI

She can't marry Joffrey and that's that!

 

GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE

I don't know what we're yelling about!

 

CERSEI

I'll tell you what. Convince your family to come here and bend the knee and we'll see what we can do.

 

SANSA

Of course, your grace. *mutters under breath* When I'm Queen in the North you'll be first against the wall, mark my word… *clicks send*

 

 

**CUT TO INT. ROBB STARK'S OFFICE.**

 

Robb and Theon are reading Sansa's letter. Enter Maester Luwin.

 

MAESTER LUWIN

My lord, a letter from King's–

 

ROBB

I know, she CCed me. Call the banners, Maester, we're going to war.

 

MAESTER LUWIN

All of them, my lord?

 

ROBB

It's only the capital city, the Gold Cloaks, the Kingsguard, the Lannister guard, the Marines, the Navy Seals… No, you’re right, a couple should do. OF COURSE ALL OF THEM YOU IMBECILE. 

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE EYRIE**

 

Lysa is thankfully keeping her tits well out of sight. Enter Catelyn.

 

CATELYN

I can’t seem to get WMail working… Is it working for you?

 

LYSA

Oh, then I guess you missed the news.

 

CATELYN

News? What news?

 

LYSA

Nothing much. The Iron Bank raised their interest again… There’s a drought in Dorne and Doran’s under fire for keeping that waterpark open… Ned’s in prison and Robb’s starting a war. 

 

CATELYN

whAT

 

LYSA

I know, I was planning on taking Robin there on holiday, but now the slides are closed…

 

CATELYN

Hello? Hello??? My family is falling apart and you’re thinking about slides? Does family mean nothing to you?

 

LYSA

Family means everything to me.

 

VIEWERS

We need a bucket over here, quick.

 

ROBIN

Bitty!

 

VIEWERS

QUICK!

 

CATELYN

You must call the banners!

 

LYSA

Lol, NOPE.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. THE VALE OF ARRYN**

 

Tyrion and Bronn are walking along THAT EXACT SAME PATH FROM THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, that one where they met the Ringwraith and Elijah Wood’s accent was like ten times worse than usual, that exact same path I swear to god.

 

TYRION

Have you heard the song of my people?

 

BRONN

No.

 

TYRION

Do you want to hear it?

 

BRONN

No.

 

TYRION

It goes like this. Gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold…

 

BRONN

Quiet! Are you trying to get us killed by the hill tribes?

 

TYRION

No, I’m trying to recruit them. Gold, gold, gold, gold…

 

Enter the STONE CROWS

 

SHAGGA SON OF DOLF

Hurr door, me Shagga, you tiny. Shagga smash!

 

BRONN

You better get recruiting real fast, son.

 

TYRION

See this ring?

 

SHAGGA SON OF DOLF

Me no likey trinket.

 

TYRION

How about I dazzle you with a straight-from-the-book quote and some empty promises?

 

SHAGGA SON OF DOLF

Ha! You funny. Ok you live.

 

BRONN

Phew, that was a close one.

 

YAVANNIE

No, Bronn. It’s never close with Tyrion. Not even remotely. You need not worry for Tyrion’s life. Ever. E V E R.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. CASTLE BLACK - THE KITCHENS**

 

Jon is cutting meat with a LARGE KNIFE. Enter Ser Alliser Thorne.

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

Not only a bastard, but a traitor’s bastard.

 

JON SNOW

You did not just.

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

You heard me.

 

JON

Right.

 

SAM

Hoe don’t do it.

 

Jon ATTACKS Ser Alliser Thorne with the LARGE KNIFE

 

SAM

Oh my god.

 

SER ALLISER THORNE

You’ll hang for this.

 

Enter Lord Commander Mormont

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

Shit boy you dumb as fuck. Now I’m going to have to go all Dumbledore on Thorne’s ass. Go sit in your room Harry.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. JON’S CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS**

 

GHOST

Woof, woof!

 

BOOK READERS

OMG OOC

 

JON 

Not walkies now, Ghost, we’ve already been.

 

GHOST

Woof!

 

JON

Oh, all right then. Wait, where are you..? No, Ghost, don’t pee in the Lord Commander’s boots again, I’m already in HOLY SHIT

 

Enter Wight

 

WIGHT

Braaaaaiiiins

 

JON

Arrrrgh, stab, stab, die motherfucker!

 

YAVANNIE

Current sexuality: Jon Snow drawing his sword mid-twirl.

 

Jon CUTS THE ARM OF THE WIGHT OFF

 

WIGHT

It’s only a flesh wound.

 

LORD COMMANDER MORMONT

What’s with all the noise?

 

JON

Fire! Yes, fire! Burn it, burn it! Kill it with fire!

 

Jon’s hand HISSES AUDIBLY as he tosses THE LANTERN, making R + L = J theorists MILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE

 

 

**NICE MATCH CUT TO EXT. A BURNING VILLAGE SOMEWHERE IN ESSOS**

 

Daenerys, Jorah Mormont and Various Others are WALKING AROUND, surveying the RAPING, PILLAGING and GENERAL DESTRUCTION OF THINGS

 

DANY

I’m not super comfortable that my husband does this kind of thing in his spare time.

 

JORAH

It’s tradition.

 

DANY

Make it stop.

 

JORAH

I would advise…

 

DANY

I AM DAENERYS STORMBORN, WHITE SAVIOUR AND SELF-PROCLAIMED PROTECTOR OF THE WEAK. Hush now children. Your mother is here.

 

MIRRI MAZ DUUR

Please leave.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. KHAL DROGO’S WEEKLY TEAM MEETING**

 

MAGO

So, the contract clearly states here, under benefits, two monthly Lamb women raped at my leisure. And you’ll notice that I haven’t claimed the past two months’ spoils, and I think it’s fairly clear that I am in fact entitled to…

 

KHAL DROGO

Look, I’m afraid my hands are tied. When it comes to benefits, you’re going to have to run it by the HRM first. 

 

DANY

There is no more HRM. There’s only me.

 

MAGO

Is she the boss of you now?

 

KHAL DROGO

I hate to have to do this Mago, but I’m going to have to hand you your notice.

 

MAGO

Boss! You’re tearing my heart out here!

 

KHAL DROGO

I think you’ll find that’s your throat, actually.

 

 

**CUT TO INT. WINTERFELL, THE GREAT HALL**

 

Robb’s BANNERMEN have arrived and they’re all fighting about who gets to DIE FIRST.

 

GREATJON UMBER

I will lead the vanguard!

 

ROBB

You’re clearly too stupid to do it, so no.

 

GREATJON UMBER

WHAT? I will now hurl random insults about your young age which would have made so much more sense if you were actually fifteen years old.

 

ROBB

The line between canon and eye candy is, in fact, very wide.

 

GREATJON UMBER

WHAT? If I can’t die first, then I’m not going!

 

ROBB

*sigh* Grey Wind.

 

GREY WIND

Mmm, fingers.

 

GREATJON UMBER

WHAT? Aaaaaaaaaarghhhahahahahaha! Hahaha! Hahahaha! That’s so funny! It bit my fingers clean off! Hahaha!

 

EVERYONE

Hahahaha! Hahahaha!

 

BRAN

Ha ha ha… What’s in their wine and where can I get some?

 

 

**CUT TO INT. BRAN’S CHAMBERS - NIGHT.**

 

ROBB

Goodbye little brother.

 

BRAN

You’re going now? In the middle of the night?

 

ROBB

The Lannisters have spies everywhere. I don’t want them to know we’re coming.

 

BRAN

But… You have so many men, and the journey takes literally weeks. Where will you hide during the day?

 

ROBB

Don’t bring logic into this.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. WINTER FELL - THE GODSWOOD**

 

Bran is PRAYING to the HEART TREE. Enter Osha.

 

OSHA

*indistinct mumbling*

 

BRAN

Say what? 

 

OSHA

Yeah, they put my wig on backwards again, I keep getting hair in my mouth.

 

BRAN 

What are you doing here?

 

OSHA

As a Wildling, I’m, you know, earthy and close to nature and probably smell of musk, so I’m here to give some foreshadowing about the fact that you can talk to trees and stuff.

 

BRAN

Uuh…

 

Enter Hodor, NAKED AS HIS NAMEDAY

 

OSHA

Oh, hell-o.

 

HODOR

Well this is awkward.

 

VIEWERS

Is this seriously the gratuitous dick scene you’re giving us?

 

BRAN

Go dress, Hodor.

 

VIEWERS

Yes please.

 

SOME FOLIAGE thankfully covers Hodor’s PACKAGE in the close-up.

 

OSHA

Hear that ominous music? It means it’s time for me to reinforce just how much shit you’ll end up in if no one deals with the threat beyond the Wall.

 

 

**METAPHORICAL MATCH CUT TO EXT. WINTERFELL.**

 

Jon and the boys are putting another SHR– I mean WIGHT on the BARBIE.

 

SAM

Turns out Maester Aemon had all the info on these guys all along. 

 

JON

What a dick.

 

SAM

Now I have all the info.

 

JON

So tell us!

 

SAM

No, I already shat myself thinking about it.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. ROBB’S ARMY IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, CLEARLY NOT HIDING AT ALL OR BEING VERY SNEAKY**

 

Robb is trying to figure out how to play CYVASSE.

 

ROBB

I’m pretty sure there’s only meant to be two players.

 

GREATJON UMBER

WHAT?

 

Enter Catelyn.

 

ROBB

*highpitched squeal*

 

CATELYN

Not. Now.

 

ROBB

I mean. Ahem. Hello mother. What a mildly pleasant surprise to see you here.

 

CATELYN

Everyone leave. Theon, that includes you.

 

Exit all but Robb and Catelyn.

 

ROBB

Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh. Mum, what have I done?

 

CATELYN

Yes, what have you done?

 

ROBB

I don’t know! It really got out of hand fast. There were horses, and a man on fire, and Grey Wind bit the Greatjon’s fingers off. Next thing I know, we’re at war with the Lannisters!

 

CATELYN

You have to fight them now, or they’ll kill Ned.

 

ROBB

Won’t fighting them actually make them more inclined to kill dad?

 

CATELYN

La la la I can’t hear you.

 

 

**CUT TO EXT. LANNISTER BOOT CAMP**

 

Tyrion is preparing to explain to Tywin why he’s accompanied by a bunch of dudes who sound like Stellan Skarsgård after a whiskey or ten.

TYWIN

You disappoint me, Tyrion.

 

TYRION

I haven’t even said anything yet!

 

TYWIN

By existing.

 

TYRION

So, I have a favour to ask…

 

TYWIN

Shut up, Tyrion. Who’s this?

 

TYRION

That’s Shagga, son of Dolf.

 

TYWIN

I said shut up. Shagga, you look like a reasonable man. How would you like to fight in my army?

 

SHAGGA SON OF DOLF

I fight. But if fight go bad, halfman dies.

 

TYWIN

What can I say? It’s a win-win situation! Welcome aboard!

 

 

**CUT TO INT. ROBB’S TENT**

 

ROBB

We have to cross at the Twins. There’s no other way.

 

GREAJON UMBER

WHAT?

 

ROBB

I SAID…

 

Enter Stark soldiers dragging along a Lannister scout.

 

ROBB

How much have you seen?

 

SCOUT

Enough for you to have to kill me.

 

ROBB

Good. Run along and tell Tywin I’m coming. *digs out papers* In case you forget, here’s a list of how many men we have, where we intend to strike, how much food we’ve brought et cetera.

 

GREATJON UMBER

WHAT?

 

VIEWERS

Yeah, wtf happened to everything you said to Bran literally twenty minutes ago?

 

 

**CUT TO INT. THE THRONE ROOM, THE RED KEEP**

 

Joffrey and Cersei are REDECORATING.

 

CERSEI

And the tapestries will be red, and the carpet, and these banners, too, I think.

 

JOFFREY

Lion print for the Kingsguard from now on.

 

CERSEI

Father will like that, now that he’s Hand.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

Excuse me?

 

JOFFREY

That reminds me. You’re fired. And Jaime will take your place.

 

BARRISTAN FUCKING SELMY

Are you fucking kidding me?

 

Barristan Fucking Selmy throws his CLOAK down in DISGUST

 

LITTLEFINGER

Oh, ladies, avert your eyes, tee hee.

 

YAVANNIE

Shut up, you knobend. This is a badass scene and not even I want to make fun of it.

 

SANSA

Your Grace. I want to plead for my father’s sake.

 

JOFFREY

Fine. But only because I like seeing you grovel.

 

SANSA

My father didn’t mean any harm. Please your grace, spare him…

 

YAVANNIE

NOPE NOPE NOPE. This scene. I can’t. Now I has a sad and I can’t. Bye.

 


End file.
